Youtube Poop News

An interview by Mr. Vorhias

He has been with YouTube Poop since its very inception, and was among the very first YouTube Poopers ever to exist. He’s been banned from YouTube more times than anyone can count, and was integral in starting YouChew Poop. Who am I speaking of? I am speaking of the wily, seclusive, and furtive YouTube Pooper known as CodgeryCoot15, who has the distinction of being the oldest YouTube Pooper of them all. (83 years of age.)
It was difficult to get this interview since it was impossibly tedious to find him, and by the time I DID manage to find him he kept blowing me off over the phone, thinking that I was a voice mail message from telemarketers. Eventually I had to break into his house one evening, and after some steady convincing, apologies for breaking his window, and pleas not to call the police, he finally agreed to sat down for the interview that I was determined to get.
I am of course, a professional.

MrV: First and foremost, I want to thank you for agreeing to do this interview, Mr. Coot. There are many many YouTube Poopers that owe you a debt of gratitude for your inspiration, and leg-

At this moment, CodgeryCoot15 is staring off into space.

MrV: Erm…Mr. Coot?

There is no answer from CodgeryCoot15.

MrV: HEY!

Coot: Mrnh? Leave the cookies on the counter.

MrV: Cookies? What cookies?

Coot: The dang cookies I bought outside the damned grocery store! Are ALL you girl scouts this damn deaf?! I’m OLD and I can hear better!

MrV: I’m not a girl scout, I’m here to interview you.

Coot: Then where the hell’s the camera?

MrV: It’s a print interview, it’s not a-

Coot: So you’re from that damned liberal media, are ya? Tell Chris Matthews I could kick his ass!

MrV: I’m not from a professional organization! I’m from YouChewPoop.com! I’m here to interview you about your hand in the creation of YouTube Poops.

Coot: What the hell’s a Yoot Toop Oop?

MrV: You don’t remember? Those videos…you had a hand in creating? …On YouTube?

Silence.

MrV: *SIGH* The ones that are really quite silly?

Coot: Ohhh, well why the hell didn’t yeh say so, god-dammit? I swear, you damn kids these days, never getting to the point. What the hell d’you wanna know, lady?

MrV: I already told you I’m not a woman.

Coot: WELL YEH SURE AIN’T ACTIN’ LIKE IT! ……Pansy.

MrV: Let’s…let’s just get off that, okay? Tell me about the very first YouTube Poop.

Coot: Fine, fine…This ain’t gonna be in the papers, is it?

MrV: No, it’s going to be on the internet.

Coot: Internet? Goody. Ain’t noone gonna read it then. Lessee…I remember it like it was yesterday- Y’writing that down? Write it down like that. “Like it was yesterday.”

MrV: I am.

Coot: Good. Anyhoo, it was back then during the grand ol’ days, the good ol’ days…the year was 2006-

MrV: That was two years ago.

Coot: SHADDAP! You wanna hear the story or not?!

Silence.

Coot: Good. Now then…back in those days we didn’t have all this fancy crap that you young folks take for granted like Blue Rays, or electric violins, so we had to make our own form of entertainment. Much of us felt like watching some movies, or maybe television, but that proved an enormous problem.

MrV: Were you unable to gain ready access to the media you wanted to watch?

Coot: No, the problem was they all really really stunk.

MrV: …That’s it?

Coot: I ain’t finished. So what we did was we cut em up into little pieces and stuck em all back together, the way we WANTED them to look.

MrV: Is THAT it?

Coot: Yep. What the hell kinda story d’you want?

MrV: I was sort of hoping for something a little more interesting.

Coot: Well for starters we had to make our little moving pictures with punch cards back then-

MrV: It was 2006. Why would you still be using punch cards?

Coot: Quit interrupting me! Here I am talking about the dawn of a new era or some crap like that and you keep talking down t’me like it’s nothin’! D’you know how damn hard it was to make these movies and cut em’ up and stuff with PUNCHCARDS?! Y’can’t even see the damn pictures, fer pete’s sake!

MrV: Well…I guess that’s KIND of interesting-

Coot: BAH! Your cement-headed generation doesn’t know interesting! Back then we were entertained by flies climbing up walls! You folks won’t go 5 minutes without something blowin’ up!!

MrV: Are you still talking about 2006?

Coot: No, god-dammit! You’re not listening to a damn word I’m sayin! THIS is why you’re still in the USSR, y’know!

MrV: Let’s talk about something else.

Coot: Fine…Y’ever had a reuben?

MrV: No, I meant-

Coot: I had one the other day with a nice tall frosty mug of Birch Beer and some kettle chips.

MrV: ….Was it…good?

Coot: What the hell d’you think!? It’s a REUBEN! It’s got pastrami, sauerkraut, swiss cheese-IT’S THE BEST DAMN SANDWICH!!

MrV: I actually wanted to ask another YouTube Poop related question.

Coot: Then why the hell didn’t you?

MrV: You started talking about reubens-

Coot: God DAMN I could go for a reuben right now. Be a good girl and fetch me a reuben, right now.

MrV: I already told you twice, I’M NOT A GIRL.

Coot: Are y’sure? You look like a waitress.

MrV: *Through clenched teeth* Let’s talk about your relationships with some of the more influential YouTube Poopers in YouTube Poop’s history…Conrad Slater. What was-

Coot: Bah! Don’t get me started on that waste of space. All he ever wanted to do was talk about “mise-en-scene” and other arty crap like that. Y’know all his best ideas he got from me? Didn’t ONCE give me credit or even say thank you! It was MY suggestion to get source feed from the bountiful source wells in the Badlands, but he just LAUGHED at me! Stupid froggy bastard.

MrV: Conrad’s British.

Coot: British, German, they’re all alike, the bastards.

MrV: Frog is a French slur.

Coot: Shaddap! I thought you wanted to hear a dang story here, not get into a semantics argument! You buncha morons will follow anyone around, even a stinkin’ rabbit!

MrV: *Aside* Yeah, I’m gonna just edit that one out…What about SuperYoshi? I’ve heard there’s been an unspoken feud between you two.

Coot: You’re damn right there’s been one! He’s been given all the credit for makin’ th’ first one of them dang ol’ videos, when it was ME all along!

MrV: Wow…This is unprecendented-You’re calling SuperYoshi a liar?

Coot: ‘Course I am! I wrote the original whatchamadooley with nothin’ more than a mimeograph machine and a whole lot of heart, and what does that goodfernothin’ do? Spends the whole time lying around on my couch eating Riessen candies and steals my ‘riginal copy only t’put it in that newfangled movie thingy that he does!

MrV: That’s a heady claim, sir. Can you prove that?

Coot: Sure can! I got the proof right here!

I am then handed a folded slip of paper, which I unfold and look over briefly.

MrV: This is an ad ripped from a newspaper covered in ink smudges.

Coot: BAH! I had a feeling you wouldn’t believe me, ya hack! Noone does!

MrV: From the looks of it, it’s advertising Denny’s weekend buffet-

Coot: This interview is over, y’understand me?! OVER!

MrV: I still had a few more questions, though-

Coot: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

MrV: We’re…eh…we’re not in an office-

Coot: THEN GET IN MY OFFICE AND GET OUT OF IT!!! AND TAKE OFF THAT DAMNED MASK!!!

That was our last exchange of words before he came at me with a walker, and fell out a nearby window. I can recall his last words before hitting the ground were “YOU LOUSY WHORE!!”

I think I need to leave the country for a couple of months now. >_>