Youtube Poop News

Investigative reporter Vorhias brings us a new scoop about the site curator Conrad Slater and his disturbing connection to global catastrophe…

Global warming. It’s an issue that plagues us all as denizens of the planet Earth. Scientists say that its cause rests in greenhouse gases and in the overuse of aerosol spray cans. Some say that it’s merely the planet going through a temperate phase. Some believe that God is punishing us for sinning like bandits. Regardless whether you believe the scientists, the skeptics, or the idiots respectively, all three of them are wrong. The cause of global warming is much closer to home than you would imagine, as this reporter found out to great horror one evening.

As the YouChewPoop website was closing for the night, I had briefly stopped in to deliver a copy of “Waffle Fries Monthly” to our administrator, Conrad Slater, who had left it on a park bench accidentally. His office was empty, so I left the magazine on his chair, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a desk drawer with a large label, reading “Do Not Open This Desk, This Desk Is Off Limits To Everybody Anywhere Except For Authorized Personnel. That’s Me. Conrad Slater. I’m Authorized Personnel, And You’re Not. So You Can’t Open This Desk Drawer. I Mean It. Don’t Do It.” (It was a very large label with very small text.)

Try as I might to ignore it, I soon found myself accidentally opening the drawer, rummaging through the files, and stopping at one with a large classified stamp on it, and taking a peek.

Accidentally.

What I found stunned me so horribly, I was left completely paralyzed in shock. (As of now I’m using a helper monkey named Tentor The Hamster to write this article, as I still can’t move my hands.)

What was inside of this folder you ask? A lot of looseleaf paper with doodles of anthromorphic waffle fries coming to life and killing Finnish historical figures.

But what ELSE was on the papers? The cause of global warming itself. I soon learned from the notes that Slater, in association with the highest echelons of the US government, the British crown, and Trinidad (But not Tobago) has known the cause of global warming for several years now, and has neglected to get the word out.

The cause?

FLASH POOPS.

I could not take the notes with me, because Conrad would notice they were missing, I couldn’t take pictures of them, because I couldn’t get the lens cap off my standard-issue dirt-digging-journalism camera, and I couldn’t copy the notes, because there were a lot of spelling errors that confused me, and the doodles of Finnish historical figures appeared to be eating much of them, as well.

I later approached a famous Flash Pooper (Who shall remain unnamed to protect his artistic credibility) named WalrusGuy, with this information. He simply laughed at the idea, and shoveled a physically impossible amount of bread pudding into his tusked mouth. (He actually looks more like an elephant seal.)

As of now I am in a great amount of danger for posting this article, since this is an issue that could throw the entire establishment that is YouTube Poop into more disarray than it already is, and I will surely be assassinated, tortured, or be given a fate worse than death: Slave status. So I leave you the viewers with this information, and urge you to investigate further into the situation. I will continue to report on this as it develops, keeping a watchful eye over my shoulder at every momen-

Article fabricated by Vorhias, with whom the editor has suddenly lost contact. I can only fear the worst…