Youtube Poop News

Another scandalous secret is revealed by RabbitSnore of the YouChewPoop News Office, this time about SeductiveBaz, a once trusted moderator of the forum.

Supposedly from Falkirk, Scotland, forum moderator SeductiveBaz purports himself to be one of only a handful of Scottish poopers. After a passing comment in a local pub by confirmed Scotsman Stegblob saying that he had in fact never seen Baz anywhere in Scotland, this investigative reporter decided to look deeper into the controversy. Was Baz truly Scottish? Or were his claims of descent from William Wallace utter lies? How far did the lies go? And just who is Baz if he is not who he says he is?

First, I decided that the first place to investigate would be SeductiveBaz’s supposed hometown of Falkirk. So there I was standing in a constitutional monarchy, searching for one man in a city of over 30,000. After wandering the city streets for four hours on foot, there was no sign of Baz anywhere, and no matter whom I asked, not one pedestrian or shopkeeper knew anyone by the name of Baz. Clearly, something about his story did not check out. If four hours on foot without a guide could not locate him, he was not in Falkirk. When would the lies end?

Microfilm and intense Wikipedia research indicated that Baz had once purchased a slice apple pie in a Scotland diner. A single homeless man in Falkirk informed me in a drunken stupor after hearing about Baz and his interests, that if he were a Batman fan like he says that he is, then he’d have to be from America, since Gotham City is in America. The details of Baz’s life were now falling into place. There is only one kind of man who eats apple pie and likes Batman, and that’s an American. So if Baz was American, he certainly was not Scottish, since Americans can’t be Scots because they’re Americans. So Baz was American. It was time to locate him once and for all.

Unfortunately, I have yet to be able to find Baz, though my journey to locate him has just begun, as I sweep across the country from Maine to California, thoroughly combing the land on foot. But this message goes out to Baz himself, wherever in the country he may be: I will find you eventually, Baz; it’s only a matter of time. And it’s about time you faced the hard fact that you are American as hot dogs and the tune of My Country, ‘Tis of Thee.

Article fabricated by RabbitSnore.