Okay, so it looks like those Art Staff buffoons have kept their word — so far. Another day in the update says they’re gonna be redoin’ the looks of the News Page. So I guess they don’t just do lame-ass medals and pictures for socially awkward children to use on internet forums because they’re too shy to show their real faces. Now they can open Notepad and modify a couple lines of HTML and make pretty pictures like in kindergarten art class. Ooooohh! Sooooo impressive!

Yeah, just look at their fancy pants update page:

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE NEW UPDATE PAGE!

I bet they fingerpainted the new skin for the Front Page then licked their hands clean.

But that “Day 2″ thing is still up there in the corner there with the little arrows, so I guess maybe’s there’s more to it than just this dumbass art contest circle jerk and a fresh face for RabbitWhore’s personal blog…. Maybe they can actually do something good. Maybe.

But my hopes ain’t high.

Okay, so I hear the Art Staff is back in town. I don’t know where to begin with these guys. Now, if there’s one thing I hate doing, it standing around idlin’ like a special ed kid with a dent in his skull. It’s just embarrassing. They have their own staff and they can’t even put up a new forum banner once every six months.

These Art Staff dolts are idle for over a year, sitting around with a private forum section playing with their dicks — all the while sportin’ colored names like they think they’re mods or something. Then…THEN they have the noive to say they’re gettin’ their act together. And STILL they only release art once in blue moon!

I mean, look at this, LOOK… AT… THIS!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE ART STAFF UPDATE.

Did you really wait around for that?

Seriously! They think they can just walk on back, all high and mighty, and expect to be treated with any respect. If they were from where I was from they’d have to earn their respect — by gettin’ beaten with baseball bats and bricks by the rest of the gang for a straight hour. I’d like to see them paint their pretty pictures after THAT.

They are nothin’ but a bunch of dime a dozen, good for nothin’…

Huh?…What’s that, ma?…

…Day 1!?
…Day 1 of what!?

You mean they have more in store for the site?!!?

Yeah, well, we’ll see what they got on March 25. I bet they’re all talk.

This is a YTPMV made by a user named KernalPicnic. He/she used a song called Avast. I am unaware of the song’s origin unfortunately. I believe it’s from the Keygen Jukebox (Formally referenced in “The Keygen Collab” I believe). The source KernalPicnic used to make this YTPMV was AVGN. It used his “Bible Games” review and his NES accessories review. It mostly consisted of the NES accessories review footage.

It’s a decent YTPMV. The pitch-shifting was spot on (with the exception of the parts where he/she used the clip where AVGN hit a key on the Nintendo piano *used in the NES accessories review.*; that part seemed a little flat at some parts.). I also find it a tad repetitive since the YTPMV only consisted of 5 clips. The clips being:
- AVGN hitting a key on the NES piano *mentioned earlier*.
- AVGN talking about the NES Rollin’ Rocker.
- Gameplay of the “Bible Games” Review (or it could be just gameplay in general. I find it more likely to be AVGN’s review though).
- AVGN hitting the PowerPad.

It also doesn’t suffer from using overused sources. AVGN isn’t used in YTPMV’s half as much as Nostalgia Critic’s 50 impersonations in 60 second video. The song isn’t all that overused either (But people are making more Avast YTPMV’s so it’s likely to become an overused song.).

The YTPMV may be repetitive, but the visuals are great. I especially like how KernalPicnic organized the clips with the crop effect. The screen split to make the video resemble a 2-player video game, and the layout changed throughout the entire video. They could have been better though. Although there was a plentiful amount of effects in it, There seemed to be a lack of color-altering effects. It only used some Sony Vegas plug-in effects and some picture-altering effects (i.e. wave, spherize, TV Simulator, etc.) The Bible Games gameplay is shown on the bottom of the screen via the Sony Vegas cookie cutter effect. it has no individual effects. it just flips horizontally and vertically. I’d give it an A-minus when it comes to the visuals.

As I stated earlier, it’s an adequate YTPMV. The main problem it suffers from is the lack of variety; This causes it to sound like more of a Midi than a YTPMV. It also doesn’t use any more than 5 clips and it doesn’t improvise with the song. KernalPicnic could have used some of AVGN’s screaming to go in rhythm of the song at certain parts. I find it to be quite catchy nonetheless (Mainly the beginning in the middle. It starts to lose it towards the end. Avast Nerd’s Ass is 2 minutes and 13 seconds long.). I’d give it 4 stars out of five.

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Capcom loves their fans and proved that fact with the release of MegaMan 9. With the classic MegaMan revival a success, they now bring us MegaMan 10, which will prove to be another success. The game follows the same usual conventions in it’s choice of eight robot-masters and then Wily Castle stages as well as the usual story of these games (either Wily is bad or something else is happening and ultimately Wily is bad). MM10 features new things like mission-like challenges, different difficulties, and the inclusion of ProtoMan right off the bat (not as DLC like in MM9), but it is also full of it’s nostalgic music, graphics, and difficulty.

In the year 20XX, everything was swell until the robot sickness, Roboenza begins its breakout. This wouldn’t be a problem unless it actually involved our beloved Rock Man, so his dear sister Roll gets down with the sickness. Eight of the infected robots around the world begin causing trouble. That’s when Dr. Wily barges in claiming he has a “medicine-making machine” and that these robots took the parts to his deus-ex machina. MegaMan then proceeds to go save the world. The story gets dumber along the way and I’ll let you find out how Dr. Wily fucks himself on this one (the old man must have Alzheimer’s disease.) Hearing that ol’ MegaMan needs help, his brother ProtoMan drops by to say that for some reason MegaMan isn’t able to do this by himself and so the brother work together. The stories for the two barely differ, but the important thing is that the story sucks and is not the story of how Zero is born, kills everyone, and sets the stage for MegaMan X. It doesn’t happen, so clearly Capcom isn’t done whoring out classic MegaMan yet (expect to see MM11 in the next 2 years).

The game is hard. Harder than MM9, at least, because of a few reasons. For one, the boss weapons need to be used in a specific manner to make them effective against the bosses (for example, the boss who is weak to the Commando Bomb will not be damaged by being hit with the bomb itself, but rather being hit by the bomb’s explosion). Another thing that adds to the difficulty is harder mini-bosses and longer Wily stages. These can get frustrating on your first play-through of the game, but in the future I’m sure they won’t be so bad. The game delivers top-of-the-line quality in it’s gameplay and that is what matters. It’s difficult for the right reasons. Not because of bad controls or cheap tactics. There is a proper solution to everything.

If you can’t handle the normal difficulty then Capcom is ready to hand you your yellow t-shirt, you coward. Easy Mode comes available from the start if you feel that you need experience before attempting the Normal Mode. It is incredibly simple, however. I may be biased because I’ve played through the game once before trying Easy, but if you have any skill in MegaMan you shouldn’t have much trouble. Pitfalls are covered up, there are less enemies, stronger enemies lose some of their attacks, and even bosses become slower, weaker, and easier to kill. I didn’t even have to use a continue (which was a nice and easy way to get the challenge achievement for beating the game without using a continue). I honestly felt insulted at times with the difficulty, as the game often threw those odd pin-wheel shaped items from MegaMan 1 at me that always gave me full health. If you would feel insulted by this too, then you’re in luck. Those who beat the Normal difficulty are rewarded with a HARD difficulty. Trust me, it’s called Hard Mode for a purpose.

The game features time-attack like before, though now you can attach a replay of your speed-runs to the leaderboard if you make it on there so that the world can see just how it’s possible for you to be so awesome. There are 3 blank spaces for the Time-Attack stages so it’s easy to assume there are going to be 3 more DLC stages. If you don’t like being rushed but still want a challenge, the Challenges mode is where you want to go. Like before in MM9 you get a list of achievements under “Challenges 2,” but a new mission mode lies under “Challenges 1″. After you beat the game you unlock these challenges that ask you to do something. You pick a challenge, which could be anything from defeating Wily’s final boss form to running from point A to point B, and then you get sent to a small stage built specifically for the challenge. Some of these are easy, and some of these will have you trying to beat it over and over again. It’s a fun addition to the game to be sure.

The game is also the first in the classic series to include three playable characters: MegaMan, ProtoMan, and Bass. While Bass is only available in the form of DLC that will become available in April, the other two are accessible from the start. MegaMan plays like he does in the original two games: just a plain buster with no fancy tricks. ProtoMan has access to said tricks, though there is a trade-off. While ProtoMan can use a charge-up buster, slide, and a shield in mid-air he does take extra damage and is knocked-back further when damaged. Bass looks to provide something unique to the 8-bit MegaMan games: 7-directional shooting. Bass’s buster cannot charge up and is supposedly weaker, but he can dash forward and combine with his robot dog, Treble, to form a stronger, flying Bass.

There isn’t much else to say about the game. I have one complaint: on the Wii version you can use the Wii Remote, but the buttons A and B cycle through the weapons you have. This sounds useful, but the B button on a Wii Remote tends to get in the way sometimes. I found myself accidentally changing weapons in the middle of a fight and losing because I shot Thunder Wool when I needed to shoot the Wheel Cutter. It’s my only complaint, though. It’s $10 for a good sized game, many extra modes and features, and contains some of the best game music, graphics, and gameplay you’ll get all year. With all the challenges, time-attack stages, extra characters, and extra difficulties, you’re really getting a lot of game for a mere $10. There is even one special part of the game where you may see a familiar boss or two if you’ve played through past MegaMan games. You must get this if you’ve ever enjoyed MegaMan. Just watch out for BladeMan. He’s a real asshole.

Anime girls in short skirts go around prattling about love and justice. Lesbians are really just cousins. Winged horses are perfectly fine candidates for soul mates. This is the world of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon. In America the show is known by its English dub, one that toned the show down considerably to aim it at children, or in other words completely butchered the original work and destroyed any credibility it may have had in the states. I was one of those target children, so why has it taken me this long to come to like the series? It’s been history in Japan for thirteen years, and ten or nine in America. The answer is that much like my good friend RabbitSnore, I was too ashamed to admit that I was somehow intrigued by it. However many years later when two of my favorite online associates Thereisnospoon303 and Dillrod90 made watching Sailor Moon a public event, I wanted to take part, partially because I value their opinions, but more honestly because I had definitely reached a point where I thought attractive anime girls might not be such a bad thing. I was ready for Sailor Moon. I had no idea what I was signing up for, and it ended up being a complete surprise. Now, having seen all two hundred episodes of all five seasons and two of the three movies, I can say I have gotten myself quite deep into the franchise. I know what the Japanese names of all the girls mean, I can recite the lyrics of countless opening and ending themes by heart, and can draw the characters without missing a detail. There are a lot of reasons for a person like me to like Sailor Moon, but should something like this be obvious from the offset? I am in no way the target audience, being male, American at that, and supposedly too old to fall for sappy love stories, so this shouldn’t be for me, am I right? What is it about this series that could make it so likable? What gives it this undeniable charm?

For me this series turned out to be a great find. It’s a perfect example of how anime was produced in the 1990’s – featuring beautiful backgrounds, lots of scenes involving school and ordinary everyday life and not to mention funky Jpop music mixed in with a beautiful orchestral score. It was tons of fun to see the enigmatic Tuxedo Kamen throw roses at giant tennis ball monsters and for Sailor Moon to defeat enemies with attacks such as “Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss.” This kind of silliness is not for everyone however, and there’s plenty of skepticism to be had for a series that sells its characters on the fact that they show a lot of leg, but it was not too difficult for me to look past that to get a clearer vision of what it’s really about.

My friends Thereisnospoon303, RabbitSnore and Dillrod90 probably view the series from the point of view of the reserved and mature college boyfriend, Chiba Mamoru. As a high school student I didn’t quite see it from that perspective, instead I see the plot from the point of view of the five girls. I can identify with them in a certain way; if it’s goofing off one day then being serious about studies the next, believe it or not these girls cover a lot of the same ground that I do. The character I feel I connect to most is Rei, serious, jiving, and highly supportive of the naïve and childish Usagi. Underneath the Shrine Maiden that greets people at the Hikawa Shrine, there is a young woman that harbors deep feelings of determination to fulfill her aspirations, having an “international life of success.” Rei’s character is written in such a way that tells me that it’s fine to dream big, and the more open and determined one is the greater their likelihood to achieve their goals.

Points such as these are scattered all throughout the series, there to encourage young viewers as they grew up with the characters. I’m required to think about adolescent issues daily, and I deeply appreciate being able to bring my own life to the characters of this campy show. They all live in a bright world where adolescence is happy and innocent, and evil is repelled with the power of love and friendship. It isn’t accurate, but it is inspirational. I’ll take this over watching Michael Cera get wasted in SuperBad any day. It can be disappointing to see many types of questionable behavior advertised in entertainment to the teenage audience, so it is refreshing to see something so far on the other end of the spectrum for once. The world is by no means as peaceful or optimistic as Usagi-chan would make it out to be, but hell I believe in a world where one can go for their dreams, and maybe even have a miracle romance. It may be sappy; it may be unrealistic, but it’s sweet, and it’s something I can appreciate. It has proven to me that shoujo anime is not something that should simply be written off as substandard kiddy fare, and that it can in fact communicate important messages. There is much to say for how the writers decide to bring in these themes, and they rarely have anything to do with the skirts.

So what is the purpose of tackling a project as large as watching 200 episodes? It is to be entertained, to learn something new, and perhaps to achieve an unexpected result, such as learning something about yourself. If one looks hard enough they can discover a lot in this series, and whether it’s to like it for its lighthearted and silly scenes or its more reflective and dark ones is entirely the preference of the viewer. I’m sure to most the fanbase seems onerous or averting as is often the case with anime fans, but it is important to remember that different people enjoy things for different reasons. I like Sailor Moon because it showed me an optimistic and enticing fantasy world that hits close to home, and perhaps it even gave me a better idea of how my miracle romance may turn out some day, all in the format of a campy action and romance ‘90s cartoon. Others may like it for simply the skirts alone, or for the bizarre humor. Whatever reason one may have, there’s plenty to find and appreciate in this quirky yet strangely alluring tale.

That’s what Sailor Moon says.

However, I come to you now, a wiser, though perhaps not stronger, man, who nonetheless sees the task before him.
To compensate for my gross negligence, I will present not one, not two, but rather, three youtube poops that were worthy of mention for the new year, a glorious new year in the history of poopdom. For as the sun doth rise again after the night, fellow Patriots, so do I rise again waving the banner of freedom from oppression, perseverance in difficulty, and toast for dinner.

The Legend of UYAHH vol.3 by RetardedAnimeParody, alias YuiHirasawa

The distinguished patriot RetardedAnimeParody has been known by many names in the course of Youchew’s history. I remember RAPeX earliest as ThisAccountIsClosed, through the Chewiki, and later, as RetardedAnimeParody, ReallyAwesomeParody, and myriad other names, not counting his latest. But whatever he has deigned to call himself, I know I can count on the lover of all things Japanese, perverted, and pervertedly Japanese to provide us with a level of quality and commitment that is rarely seen amongst patriots in this day and age. Young Youchewers can learn much from a man who has had his accounts suspended manifold times because of his hentai traps, only to surface anew with more and better videos (though alas, the lost work of his earlier years will always be missed). This video clearly shows the lovable spark that made RAPeX so entertaining to begin with (aside from the lack of hentai).

This poop begins, as with most of the classic Power Rangers poops with Rita Repulsa being her usual crazy self. The manipulations only continue from there, as the video gains a very meta Anti-Poop field with most of the dialogue removed from the Power Rangers, leaving them to existentially blurt out UYAHHHH constantly. One then realizes that these grunts and screams are about the majority of the dialogue of Power Rangers, and RAPeX has not really taken anything away by removing most of the dialogue. This makes the video more humorous for my tastes, on top of the already improbable fight scenes and ridiculously lack-luster monsters that the series is known for. When the ‘giant colonial rats’ appear, you’ll know that YuiHirasawa still has an eye for the ridiculous, and will be wishing, like the moronic Darth Sidious pumpkin-head demon thing, that he’ll continue on, doing ‘exactly what [we] want him to do!’

Mr. T Experiments with Magic Mushrooms by Yakkers171717

Somewhat of a newcomer to the youtube poop community, this video shows that young master Yakkers is in possession of great promise, and hopefully due to this mentioning, some much deserved notoriety in the circles and echelons of connoisseurs of poopdom.
For a man like Mr. T., with his easily lampoonable nature and comedic pop-cultural value, I, fellow Patriots, am duly surprised that in truth I honestly don’t find many youtube poops starring the famous mohawk-machine. Perhaps it may be that I do not look hard enough, but in any event, laudable videos starring such an easy target are made even more praise-worthy because even by using recognizable sources, the youtube pooper manages to make something fresh and enjoyable. And I hardly could think of a more worthy example in January than this video Yakkers has made.

A classic youtube poop in feel, execution, and layout, the video follows the bungling Mr. T. desperately trying to hold back the lunacy of the infomercial he is trapped in, the lunacy brought about by clever sentence mixing and painstakingly funny reaction shots and pacing. When the adjectives used to describe a big, fat, juicy steak are instead used to describe an altogether different part of the Mr. T anatomy, I knew I had found something worth showing to you, Youchew. It will bring you back to a simpler time, when people strove not for forced creativity, or warred needlessly over stylistic preferences, but instead found simple pleasure in making a popular character say childish swear words.
A pleasure that is still to be relished in our time, Youchewsters.

Japanese Teachers are Easily Impressed by DaftpunkYoshi

Daftpunk is known for a style that relies often on heavy editing to get the point across, leading to what some would call a self-appointing title of “Windows Movie Master”, for having his editor of choice be the long-bastion of great AIDS and great lulz, the indomitable WMM. This heavy editing is in full force here, as we watch the highly non-sequential overtures of a Japanese teacher eerily concerned with the goings-on of a young Japanese boy. With this and the video by RAPeX, I will let the reader come to his or her own conclusions about the Japanese people.

I say non-sequential because in this video, it is not like the Mr. T poop, which tells a story through the course of a heavily warped infomercial. Here, one singular commercial is taken and broken up into tiny bits, rearranged, and edited mercilessly ad infinitum. Some criticize this type of approach to making youtube poops, while others praise it above all others. However, for whatever your view on the this great glorious shit medium, one cannot help be entertained by the constant jarring juxtapositions of the no-doubt pedophiliac school teacher, the views of the game boy color game itself, and the young boy oblivious to the chaos surrounding him. This great mess is a cacophony of caca, and one I think worthy not only of the alternative crowd of Chewsters, who proclaim that only through over-editing is their true poop, and the more traditional Chewfags, who insist on clever placement and pacing. A Poop for All Seasons, Youchew.

That is all I have the strength to report to you this time, fellow patriots. But do not let my singular illness stop you from enjoying these poops and many more at your own leisure. For in the hallowed walls of the Showroom, one always finds the truest remedies to all of life’s ills, whether that remedy be Dinner, Your Face, or even Dodongo Dong (all of which I assure you are very effective).

“Big Beat Mario” is a YTPMV made by the rather well-known youtube pooper, Triple_sSs (Aka Skyguy16). It uses Hotel Mario and a little of the actual Hotel Mario Gameplay. As for audio, it uses the audio from the two said sources. It’s a YTPMV made completely of the Hotel Mario CD-i Cutscenes and gameplay. I know I complain about overused sources, songs, etc., but this is an exception. It’s actually one of the best YTPMV’s I have ever had the pleasure of both listening to and watching. The visuals were great (despite the lack of effects, the way that Triple_sSs uses the crop effect makes up for it.) There are actually parts where seven different clips are on the screen all at once *screenshot below*, the beat is extremely catchy, everything syncs up, it’s very rhythmic, and as I listen to it while I make this review, I notice that it has a very nice bass line.

This is extremely rare, but I cannot find any downsides to this YTPMV. Its just an overall wonderful experience to watch and listen to. I recommend it to, well, everybody. Its that good. I suppose if I were to try my hardest to pick a possible downside, I would have to say the length. Its over six minutes long. It also seems to fade into different melodies and beats. I think that Triple_sSs should split it up into three parts, put the three parts for download, and put the links in the video description and list it as a divided version. The length is barely even a peeve though. The divided version would merely be a bonus. As I said before, this is perfect. It’s especially shocking because, quite honestly, when I first clicked the link to the video, I said to myself “What is this? another *overused song* Hotel Mario YTPMV?” Needless to say, I was surprised. My jaw actually dropped I was so impressed with this.

I know this review seems rather short, but the YTPMV is flat-out excellent. I can’t even recommend any ways to make it better! All I have to say is, Thank you Triple_sSs for the absolutely, positively, wonderful, stupendous, excellent, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, original, remarkable, astonishing masterpiece that you refer to as “Big Beat Mario”.

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At the time I am writing this, I have watched 120 episodes, which amounts to 48 continuous hours of time spent watching a Japanese cartoon about magical schoolgirls in the ‘90s. If in August you were to tell me that in three months I would have spent that much time watching a cartoon which as a child engendered embarrassment for me to even stand in the same room as a television playing it, I would have said you were crazy and should have a CAT scan performed to investigate the possibility that a brain tumor was perhaps pressing on the part of your brain which keeps you from being fucking stupid. But that would have been the socially awkward child in me speaking, the child who my therapist keeps telling me is sad, alone, and afraid to form interpersonal connections.

My therapist also tells me that dream I keep having means that I want to dig my teeth into the nipples of every woman I meet because of unresolved issues with my mother.

Whatever.

Yet here I am, able to tell you that Ami Mizuno is a Virgo and that Minako Aino’s least favorite food is shitake mushrooms. Apart from attributing my unexpected appreciation of Sailor Moon to severe mental illness and repressed childhood trauma, it is difficult to account for this course of events.

But perhaps it’s not so strange that I ended up liking Sailor Moon enough to watch over 120 episodes of it, put 15 hours of soundtrack music on my computer hard drive and MP3 player, and spend enough time to learn the rudiments of a musical instrument on watching it. Perhaps the series isn’t bereft of merit. Perhaps with an open mind, it is possible to discern the value of a ‘90s anime about schoolgirls and a college boy in a top hat who throws roses at formulaic monsters. Perhaps there really is some redeeming quality to this crap. Or maybe I could benefit from a hefty dosage of Thorazine after all – but I’m going to go with the thesis that there is a point to all this stuff, that there is a reason I love it, and as long as I allow myself to love it, it’s more fun than I would have ever guessed. There’s something about this show that keeps it from being buried irredeemably under its flaws and places it in one of the few warm places in the hollow chambers of my cold heart.

There’s a charm about Sailor Moon I quietly detected as a child, even from the shitty English dub I was originally exposed to, and after watching the subtitled Japanese version, I can better understand what it is that gave it the staying power of over 200 TV episodes, several full-length movies, and several musical theatrical performances and gave it the appeal to prompt me to watch so damn much of it. The series’ charm is the charm of having enough subtlety and enough unexpected twists to stay interesting, even while sticking to a fairly predictable formula. There’s no surprise when the heroes save the day, and it’s uncommon for an episode to end unhappily. Nevertheless, I find myself watching the show to complete the formula, to see what exactly happens, even if I know how it will ultimately end. It’s like solving a mathematical equation that I know is balanced or watching a movie I’ve already seen: I feel the need to finish it even if I know, in some way, what will happen; I just need the details.

Let me be clear about this: I didn’t expect to enjoy the show. Despite my suspicion there was more to it than what I thought of it as a child, I approached the show with my usually high level of cynicism and skepticism. But I kept an open mind, and I was rewarded with an enjoyable experience. Being the brooding and introspective fellow that I am, I gave a great deal of thought to this unexpected turn of events, and I realized some key lessons that I learned about how to enjoy yourself when encountering new media, like a new show or film.

The following are what I have come to believe is the key to having a good time with new stuff. It’s how I fell in love with Sailor Moon, and maybe it can work for you!

# 1: Do not mistake your preferences for an objective measure of quality. Remember that what you like is not necessarily reflective of the media’s objective quality. In fact, I would argue that media does not have objective, quantifiable goodness or badness; there are merely opinions and responses. If some media appeals to one person or group and not to you, it can be difficult to understand what the hell they see in it…. I have this trouble with fans of the Twilight series all the time…. But if you accept the fact that people can feel differently about different things, you come to realize that nothing is good or bad in any real sense. This is not to say, however, that you should not allow yourself to get riled up about media. If you didn’t, things would get quite boring, now wouldn’t they?

# 2: Remember that nothing is perfect, even if you love it. This is closely related to #1. It is great to love your favorite shows, books, movies, and music and go on rants about how heavenly they are, but never - never - let that love blind you from the flaws of the media. By flaws, I mean elements of the media which prevent it from fulfilling its intention: animation flubs, poor sound quality, crappy editing, lousy voice acting, and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a first grader with a blood clot in the frontal lobe of his brain. But it’s okay to love something that isn’t perfect in every way. In fact, things, again, would be rather boring if what you loved were perfect… and this brings us to #3….

# 3: Love the good; laugh at the bad. While I think it’s great to be passionate about the things that work in your favorite media and also great to get riled about the flaws in media you don’t like, it’s important to be able to relax and remember that you’re probably not talking about something which will threaten the lives of millions or cause the AIDS epidemic in Africa to worsen… probably.

At the end of the day, you should be able lay in bed and to feel good about the way that Mark Hamill played The Joker in Batman: The Animated Series, and you should be able to say to yourself, “My god, I hate the voice of Artemis in the English dub, but dammit, I will be able to sleep tonight without having nightmares of a white cat saying, “Computer findings point to yes.” That is, when exposed to train wrecks such as US Catman in Lethal Track, you ought to be able to laugh at how horrendous they are – and this goes for moments of gracelessness in your favorite media as well. When characters are off-model in your favorite animation or when otherwise good actors deliver their lines as if they have suddenly lost several points of IQ, admit that it’s bad and laugh at it. Letting yourself admit that things are not perhaps the way they should be is much healthier – and much funnier – than denying it and trying to make excuses for it. And this is why you should…

# 4: Be willing to laugh at yourself. Leave behind your strict, canonical standards and live a little. Allowing yourself to like things that aren’t perfect is much more fun than being stuck up about it.

A good deal of the animation in Sailor Moon falls short of expectations, even by ‘90s standards, and it’s no secret that much of the dialogue can be stilted and formulaic. In spite of these flaws, I retain my appreciation for the show. I laugh at how many times the characters ask each other if they’re all right and how the same animation is recycled episode after episode whenever the characters transform. It has gotten to the point where I enjoy seeing the same old animation; it’s like being wrapped in a security blanket – only the security blanket is an underage schoolgirl wearing a sailor fuku.

My point is that you should strike a balance between accepting the flaws of your favorite things and loving them madly; these things are not incompatible. Don’t take things too seriously, and you will do just fine. Love what you love, and don’t get too hung up on trying to defend it from all criticism. It is my suspicion that, at worst, not practicing the suggestions I’ve outlined here can lead to elitism and xenophobia, sometimes to the extent of the old “War on AIDS” debacle. At best, however, you can have a damn good time not taking things too seriously, lying back and enjoying the way Tuxedo Kamen always shows up just in the nick of time.

Watch Sailor Moon on Youtube here.
Read a fan translation of the manga here.
Torrent the complete series here.
Discuss Sailor Moon on the forum here.

Article by RabbitSnore.

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If my memory is right, Nuthacker was one of the first poopers that I have ever encountered. Following the viewing of his videos, I became much more interested with “YTPMV’s”, and YouTube Poop in general. Watching them again after almost two years, I recall why I loved them so much back then. The melodies that he composed appeal to this day. I will now look back and review some of my favorite songs that Nuthacker made.

1. Ganon’s Rap

This one is so simplistic in it’s approach, but very catchy at the same time. Most of it is comprised of Ganon repeatedly ordering Hector to “keep the runt in chains”, with Hector responding by refusing to do so, peeving off Ganon in the process. This little argument can certainly make a good song, as showcased here. One bit that I always enjoyed was when Ganon was scratching the vinyl record in front of him. Zelda keeps the beat going, with her one line in it; “You’ve GOT to be kidding”. Despite the minimal amount of editing used, this YTPMV is a very solid track. I give Ganon’s Rap an 8/10.

2. Hot Cold Sodas and Cold Hot Popcorn

This was definitely more complicated to create, compared to the previous one. The editing involved is much more present in the video, as you could tell by the substantial addition of repetition in the lines. A variety of sources were used, such as Gremlins, DuckTales, and Hulk Hogan, who delivers the signature line in the song (which is the title of the video as well). This song is consistent throughout, and in my opinion, the best that Nuthacker has made. Everything present seems to have been executed the right way, and it felt like the video progressed naturally. Overall, I consider Hot Cold Sodas and Cold Hot Popcorn to be a classic YTPMV, and my score for it would be a 9.5/10.

3. I already am getting away with this

This video is the most edited, in terms of both visuals and audio. The background music this time has a strong techno feel that you would hear at a club. The SMB3 cartoon was used, along with Extreme Dinosaurs, and the infamous “Zelda Rap” commercial that Nintendo made. It seems a little slower than the other two mentioned, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I believe the slower tempo of the song made it more appealing to me. It isn’t what Nuthacker normally made, so it’s unique in that sense. To conclude, it was another well-made video that shows what a good YTPMV can be like. I give it a 9/10.

Sadly, Nuthacker deleted many of his videos months ago, for unknown reasons. However, his compositions leave a legacy in the Poop community. Nuthacker, along with Igiulamam and mrSimon, inspired many to create their own YTPMV’s; some good, and some bad. Nuthacker will be remembered as the person who made many great YTPMV’s, and for those who haven’t listened to them yet, I highly recommend them.

Well, Youchew, the sun rises on a new month, boundless in possibilities and limitless horizons open up for the proud daring inhabitants of Youchew Poop. However, before we surge ever onward to greatness destined for us, I took it upon me to make a reflection of October, in the second year of the reign of the oligarchy of Thereisnospoon and RabbitSnore.  I look back on previous achievements, I sing a song of youtube poop and bravery, and above all, I wonder why my rocket is floating off into deep space. In these reflective moments, I took the time (like any proper youchew patriot) to visit the tragically oft-neglected Showroom, which holds the cradle and soul of the entire community in its haggard dry bosom. In the hallowed walls of the Showroom, I began to search around, pacing about and admiring the glory of our ancestors, and the doubtless glory that the future will bring. In doing so, I stumbled across two youtube poops made in October, and I was so impressed by their elegance and beauty the Muses filled my heart with a Pieridean melodies of admiration. I will do my best to describe these two youtube poops to you, so that you might not only watch and be delighted, but traverse the sacred Acropolis of Poop itself and find wonders therein that even I know little of.

The most boring Youtube poop of all time by retardskull

I will admit, Youchew, that the title alone caught my eye on passing glance. I have seen many an onerous youtube poop, with poor pacing, over-reliance on cheap effects jumbled unintelligibly together, or tired slapdash jokes of no mirth… but a youtube poop boldly proclaiming itself as the most boring of them all, and by the laconic Englishman retardskull no less? This warranted further investigation.

Straightaways the video starts off very promisingly. The user already has a conception of what could possibly be the most boring choice of sources, and such an anticipation is rewarded even in the first second, and as a slow unadulterated clip begins to play, a smile broadens on your face, and the obviousness and blatant nature of it all is, as Youchew Patriot Yoshkins would describe it, “good medicine.”

Next, the video cuts to even more mundane footage, that seems to be repeated ad infinitum, with little or no editing to be seen. This continues the trend greatly, however, to the youtube poop’s credit, one does begin to feel bored by the endless onslaught of pure banality. However, a few slip-ups, speed-changes, and glitches along the way entice you to travel further down this rabbit hole, and like a diamond in the rough, only after a closer patient look does this video begin to shine with a brilliance.

The one minute introduction finally over, we begin my personal favorite segment of the whole video, in which a man who has perhaps the most monotone, soft, and utterly boring voice (along with a boring comb-over and wardrobe to match) begins to tell you how he makes his ‘mystery tea’. There is a sonorous musical quality to his voice that is both at once humorous and entrancing. The poop shifts to light sentence-mixing at this point, and the results I report back to you, Youchew, are glowing indeed. This segment is humorous because the main theme of creating the mystery tea is played off so well, and the absolutely uninteresting man is made watchable because of the mish-mash nature of what retardskull has him say, along with stutters occasionally jumping in to remove a sense of familiar coherence. When the man finally told me to simply “enjoy….. teeeeeeea” I was loving every moment of this apparently boring video.

After the second quarter dealing with tea, the poop begins to grow more complex and varied, as more and more sources are added in. The Mystery Tea Man returns for a short simplistic YTPMV moment which is wonderful in its brevity, and then the video continues its now fast barrage of boring uninteresting sources, including a Congressional hearing, a cat popping balloons, and a clip from BBC. However, these and more quickly jump in to break the slow and thoughtful nature of the poop to give in a wonderful fast pace… Only to return to the Mystery Tea Man telling us other activities we can do while we wait for our tea to cook. Then, cutting away from him once more, we are treated to a section of a BBC clip in which a politician explains his distaste and legal prerogatives against chocolate, which is cleverly spliced in for a natural effect. Even then, the absurdity remains high, in such quotes as “serious issues to be discussed, and I don’t think we should Derek Louis” Moments of nonsense like that only continue and are prevalent throughout the video, and since these sources are all so boring in their own right, the way they come together here makes them break past the threshold of mediocrity into something humorous and enjoyable.

The poop then cuts to a segment with a cartoon Biblical character drops a beat-box rhyme. I will leave the description at that.

The poop finally closes off as it should, with the Tea Man extolling the virtues of -what else- tea.

CAPTAIN LOU BECOMES A NECROPHILIAC by JakeSteel

This youtube poop is made in honor of one of Youchew’s greatest patriots, Lou Albano, of memory ever glorious, and this heartfelt tribute to the legend is no hackneyed attempt; I attest to that. The video begins with a scene in the ever boring Hyrule Castle, this time strangely aloft in the upper regions of youtube poop heaven. Inside, the titular Link notes how cool it is to be in heaven, with the sagacious King agreeing. Link then wonders what the fallen hero Lou Albano is up to, and the rest of the video I can only assume is the explanation of what in fact Lou is up to now that he has gone up into the great heavenly dwelling place. Quickly does this poop assert itself with a barrage to the visual and auditory senses, Youchew, forceful just as Captain Lou himself was forceful and victorious in the wrestling ring where he first earned his fame. After declaring the start of a new series, the “Super Shit Show”, the poop begins in earnest with a revised edition of the classic Super Mario Brothers Super Show opening.

Sentence mixing is the name of the game for the segments dealing primarily with Lou and Luigi trying to impersonate a dead king (obviously referring here to Lou, a King among men), and Luigi performing less than satisfactory, to which Lou calls him ‘a disgrace’. The other side of the poop coin is the use of the classic Mario Bros. episode of Rotunda Land, in which Mario and his compatriots try to outwit the forces of the tyrannical and probably butch Queen Rotunda. The editing here is superb, my fellow friends, and JakeSteel has done a good job of juxtaposing both heavily edited segments, mirroring and flipping things, stutters, along with humorous sentence-mixing as well as references to CD-i, feats that always warm my heart.

As Lou and Luigi try their best to stop their frantic antics, so too does Mario, Toad, the Princess, and Luigi essay to survive a world crafted by JakeSteel in which nothing is as it seems; reality shifts and disappears beneath their Italiano feet, and even simple sentences no carry profane sexual innuendos. In short, they are now in the world of Youtube Poop, patriots, and from that brave poo world there is no turning back. The amount of precise detail and care is evident in this video; there will be no second best (and I expect none) for the great Captain himself, who no doubt watches with smiling recognition the effort Jake has poured forth in this poop.

Amidst the cacophony of loud noises and forceful stutters, Lou and Luigi are greeted by another dead king, Elvis, trying but failing to teach them a variation of the Mario which was popularized by Lou Albano. Failing at that, he decides instead to show them scenes from a sexy version of the Legend of Zelda cartoon. Again Jake rearranges a classic world into a fearful, strange, and ultimately satisfying one. By creating what can only be called a soft-core tentacle rape scenario among many other altercations, he, like any bold Youchewster redefines what is and what is not possible with a source material. No longer should we be afraid to assume the worst with simple stock animation from the 1980’s, he says; rather, we should always assume an action has sexual or denigrating connotations to it. As a fellow youtube pooper, I would not have it any other way, Youchew.

There are many more poops I saw, and many more I admired, as well. But to tell you of all of them would to write down what no amount of books could ever contain, Youchew. However, I did not write this so that you might know everything, but that you may come to believe in the words I have written; namely, the great amount of untouched treasure in the Showroom, the Sacred Sanctum of Youchew Poop. And while I may not be able to write everything or see everything, I leave it up to you, my beloved Chewsters, to go as well into those hallowed halls and find your own gems and diamonds, to learn and love them as Lou has encouraged you to participate in his beloved dance.

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“Calypso, he called himself. It was a stupid name.” Not familiar with that quote? How about “I was out like the dying heart beat of a little girl?” No? I suppose you’re not a big fan of Twisted Metal Black. It is a title that comes from the early days of PlayStation 2. The concept of the game is to take the Twisted Metal games from the PS1 era, combine them with one of the greatest Rolling Stones songs ever, and use the super powerful PS2 to make a brutal game of darkness and death. What could go wrong? The gameplay itself is about cars modified to do battle with rockets, guns, and other sorts of weapons (such as throwing exploding Catholics onto other people’s cars). While the footage of said gameplay could be good as a source, the focus of this Source Discourse is on the cutscenes.

Twisted Metal Black features over 10 playable characters with multiple cutscenes for most of them to tell their story. They are all done in the style of narration and most of the video is still images though there is a good handful of animation. Each character’s prologue describes how they got into this asylum, what their problem is, and how they meet a man that offers a wish for a winner of his contest. Most of the contestants want revenge upon someone. Death basically revolves around everyone and thusly the game gets quite dark. If you were to add up the total of each contestant’s cutscenes you’ll usually get around 5 minutes worth of footage which makes for plenty of material to work with.

Since the cutscenes are narrative there is a lot of words to abuse with sentence mixing. Referring back to the two quotes in my first paragraph, I think it would be quite funny to hear this psychotic murderer to say “I was a stupid little girl.” Oh yes, the actual characters. There is a psychotic murderer clown, a college girl locked up in a mask, an emo highschool girl, an angry red neck, a crazy woman obsessed with being married, a demonic priest, a man whose vehicle consists of him holding onto two giant wheels, a cannibalistic war veteran, a little boy who drive around with a zombie, a brooklyn boxer who lost his face, and more! These people make for some dialogue that is quite fun to mess around with.

Twisted Metal Black isn’t the most obscure game around, but I don’t believe it has been used much if at all for YTP videos. Hearing people talk about how they plan on killing other people is fun, but hearing them talk about how they are little girls could be oh so much more fun. How could you refuse?

Here is a playlist on YouTube of all the cutscenes from the game: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p … ETAL+BLACK

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Tennis is one of the finest pastimes of the YouChew forums. It has led to the creation of many wonderful videos in a friendly and/or competitive manner for a majority of the regulars. Enthusiastics of the “sport” may acknowledge that there is currently a WMM tournament soon proceeding into it’s final round as well as the massive Tennis Season reaching it’s half-way point soon, but there are already plans for the next big tournament.

Brainstormed by users TheChutley and vvaluigi, the Grey Tennis Tournament is unlike recent tournaments which have played on some sort of gimmick. vvaluigi describes the Grey Tennis Tournament as “…basically a knock-out tournament. The reason why I named it the Grey Tennis Tournament is because of how simple it is. No special abilities, no different styles of matches, just a simple six round match.” Currently, the participation of this tournament is looking promising with 27 members participating so far. TheChutley and vvaluigi hope to have 32 participants before they begin this tournament. Once it begins, players will have a 6 round tennis match each week while viewers vote on who should advance to the next round. The winner moves on and the loser is eliminated.

The rules of the matches are simple. Each of your rounds need to be between 0:30 and 3:00, may have no more than 3 sources added per round, and has a 72 hour turnover time. While the turnover time may seem strict, it is only there to keep things running smoothly, and I approve of it. TheChutley reassured me that the rules would be loosely strict. “We have to make sure things are still organized and on schedule, but we will, of course, be lenient to those with legitimate reasons.” Those who violate the rules in their match by using too many sources, too long of a round, too short of a round, or takes too long in the turnover time to produce the next round will be penalized 2 to 3 votes when the time comes for voting to begin.

As mentioned before, there is currently only 27 people participating, but TheChutley and vvaluigi are looking to make it a total of 32 players. There is a lot of talent already involved in the line-up, and the creators of this tournament know it. “My expectations are definitely high, considering the amount of awesome poopers we have in this tournament. It’ll be interesting to see who gets paired with who and what is created.” The tournament is unofficially set to begin in November in order to give enough time for the Tennis Season to conclude.

Anyone interested in playing should proceed quickly to the Grey Tennis Tournament Registration & Information thread located here: viewtopic.php?f=19&t=70087

Sign up quickly, as spaces are limited. If there isn’t enough space, it can’t hurt to suggest being a potential back-up player, however. I wish everyone good luck, and so do the creators of this tournament. “I’m hoping that this tournament shall have some awesome rounds and that everyone has fun.” Thanks for the awesome tournament, guys.

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D. C. Simpson, an occasional musician who recently became a female in 2008, is highly respected in the Fullmetal Alchemist, Harry Potter, and furry fanbases solely on the fact of his only album to date, 2005’s “Shiver”, which is a very impressive and respectable 12-track collection of songs based around folk with a deep influence from bands like Toad the Wet Sprocket and songwriters like Elliot Smith. One can easily point out every flaw she has, from the way she uses her humor to her easily offended position when questioned about her personal life and storylines in her comic strips, but when you go back to 2005, before David became Dana, you can realize that “Shiver” is the work of an honest artist who takes time to shape the music into something that actually has meaning. There’s no questioning of life nor any sign of furry fandom here for anybody interested in the bulk of Simpson’s work (I Drew This; Ozy and Millie), but there are a slew of good and interesting songs.

Track-by-track review:

1. If I Can’t Get to London - The second most well-known song from Simpson himself, this deals with one of the plotlines from the third Harry Potter book, “The Prisoner of Azkaban”, notably the one dealing with Harry evading the Dementors on the Knight Bus that would take him away from the Dursley household to London. The chord work is very simple and the bass sometimes goes off-sync with the guitar, along with David’s vocals clearly having static in the back, but the song is anything but the despicable genre of filk music, with a very beautiful saxophone solo during the break and some very obscured lyrics not really dealing with the J.K. Rowling universe.
Score: 4.5/5

2. Impression of You - The earliest song Simpson wrote (in 1999), this one deals with break-ups with many people he has had loose connections with and how his jealousy is tainting his image of himself, mainly because he desires throughout the song to be like the target of the attack. Finally, this target goes to somebody else, breaking Simpson’s heart and entering into him some regret of knowing this person. This song is just Simpson’s microphone-to-computer-recorded voice and guitar, but its sparseness makes a song that is very comparable to Nick Drake’s dark atmosphere. The flaw is the length itself, as the song’s chorus is repeated a myriad of times. Simpson, you’re not playing krautrock.
Score: 4/5

3. From the Rain - The first great song from the album, this song starts off with fifteen seconds of rain falling outside of Simpson’s Seattle apartment and goes back to the partial band sound of the first track. He sings about being an outcast, using one Biblical reference (Cain’s mark that separated him from the others). The harmony in the song, mainly Simpson doubling himself but sometimes another person, is very beautiful and creates shivers that come in the song. A volume skip is apparent about three minutes and twenty seconds on the song, but it doesn’t really interrupt the song. The rain does not flaw the song itself, including the twenty seconds of rain that serves as an outro, but merely enhances the song’s dark nature.
Score: 5/5

4. I See - Another good song from Simpson, this one is more recent from the time of recording the album (written after Election Day 2004) and deals with trying to love somebody during times of political turmoil, according to Simpson’s music website. I can’t see many love song cliches that have plagued even Peter Cetera and Bette Midler and I enjoy the overall tone of the song, along with the saxophone break. It’s very short, but it’s a fast-paced song.
Score: 3.5/5

5. Mockingbird Song - A continuation of Simpson’s love being away in California and further alienating the singer, this one starts back the allusions to Biblical stores (Cain and Abel). From the song, despite its major-chord-based tune, I can easily tell that Simpson misses his love and wants him to come back so he can sing this so-called “mockingbird song”, but ends up not wanting him back. At this point in the album, I’m getting convinced that this might be an accidental concept album (i.e. 1982’s “Shoot Out the Lights” by Richard and Linda Thompson) about the gains and losses of this one person that Simpson may or many not be interested in.
Score: 4/5

6. California - In response to his friend going to California, sometime in 2001, David moved to California and began to miss his friend, who probably went back to Seattle to catch up with David. The tune of the song reminds me of California, especially the folk-pop movement of the 1990s that was mainly stationed there, and the sound of the song is similar to that of a Toad the Wet Sprocket song without completely stealing it. The bass line drives with the guitar and makes you feel that you’re actually driving through California in order to catch up with this love before finding out that your love went back to meet you in your former home. The desperation Simpson exhibits in his delivery of the lyrics shows that he wants to go back to this love of his.
Score: 5/5

7. We All Fall Down - Another sparse song with only guitar and vocals, this one is the only song that Simpson co-wrote with a still-unknown friend of his, who suggested a few chords to the guitar part. This song was written in 2003, after a break of making more comics probably in California or Seattle, and deals with Simpson’s own wanderlust and guilt that forces him to move away from wherever he’s situated and attempts to find his love, but gets constant calls from this love. This chord work in the song is simple and the bridge reminds me of some of the chord work in “From the Rain”, but its simplicity adds to the mood of the song and makes this one of Simpson’s greatest songs from the album.
Score: 5/5

8. Turn Away - A song about addictions and two scrapped ideas that were combined in 2003, according to Simpson, this song starts with a false start and goes into a song that seems tonally darker than most of the work I have heard on the album. I can hear the undertones of the addictions that Simpson had to deal with, including the ones that forced him to become the woman he is now. The chord work is mostly in the minor mode, but it adds to this atmosphere Simpson wants to create through this song. This song poses many questions, such as “What exactly is he addicted to, anyway?”, “Is he addicted to his love or is he addicted to making comic strips?”, and “Will he do anything to satisfy his endless addictions?”
Score: 4.5/5

9. Warm - Breaking the conceptual continuity of the album, being written in late 2001, this one is supposed to be the song that sounds like Toad the Wet Sprocket, according to Simpson’s personal insights on the album. In many ways, it sounds similar to the material on the “Warm” album, but it’s anything but typical Toad. It continues the theme of Simpson’s never ending conflict with his love, wanting to bask in the sunlight of glory while his love prefers to stay out of the limelight. This one turns to be a bit morbid, with references to blood on the pavement and death, but overall, the song’s pretty well-written and introduces back into the album another round of saxophone.
Score: 5/5

10. Tin Heart - Wondering if his love is emotionless, Simpson wrote this song to continue his accidental concept album. He struggles over the fact that his love desires so much stuff that he can’t find a way to not run on anything while making a new sparseness that highlights the second half of the album, with him, his saxophone, and his guitar being the only performers. There’s really not much to say about this song other than the fact that it’s well-written and contributes to the struggle between David and his love.
Score: 3.5/5

11. Hey Abandon - Now away from his love, Simpson becomes sullen and hangs out with the emotion of abandonment while bringing back the bass for one final song before abandoning it for the Fullmetal Alchemist tribute that serves as the final track. He desires for this emotion while singing as if he wants to make sweet love with abandonment. The instrumentation, as always, is quite beautiful and reminds me of early 1990s alt-rock. However, it does not shine out like some of the other tracks. And at points, the vocals remind me of Incubus. And to note, this is the only song on the album that fades out.
Score: 4/5

12. Still Nina - The final track and the Fullmetal Alchemist tribute, this is the most popular song that Simpson has made, even going as far as having the song in an endless array of AMVs. The song does not suffer from the same level of cheesiness that filk songs or songs in AMVs usually suffer from; instead, if I did not know this was about the character Nina in Fullmetal Alchemist, I could interpret this as a girl getting abused and Simpson acting as if he wants to help her but can’t find the inspiration to do that good deed. The song is very beautiful and serves as a great end to a somewhat-perfect album. It even convinces me to go into the mind of Nina and find out what tortures her so, whether it would be her parents or her cold-hearted brother.
Score: 5/5

Overall, the album deserves a score of four-and-a-half stars for being one of the greatest albums I have listened to in a long time. It conveys emotion and gives insight on what might have tempted Simpson to make many faulty decisions that led him to that incident in 2008 and why he might be so tender. At first, to anyone who might want to bash Simpson on his art and personal life, this album might serve as a testament to his unnatural tenderness that has plagued many of his decisions, but to me, a casual onlooker of Simpson’s art, this album serves as a psychological study of Simpson himself, not as 43 minutes of whining about how somebody doesn’t love him. Having to go through so much crap and still trying to find time to contribute to his endeavors, I am amazed that Simpson actually could make this album.

For those who wish to check this album out, here’s a link:  http://www.mediafire.com/?ymzmnz1bimu.

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I never really understood why people rip on the Madden football games so much. Many games have an annual release (can’t wait for Guitar Hero 5, right guys?) , the fanbase isn’t anything like most critics claim they are (”bro fuck that fantasy shit we got halo and football ungh!”), and the game itself is very well made as each iteration brings the game a step forward (though sometimes there are minor steps back). Madden 10 is the latest Madden game in the series, but is it friendly to newcomers and good enough for people to switch over from Madden 09? I have recently acquired the PS3 version and have played 10 matches, experimented with other modes, and gone through most of the menus.

Starting off with the basics, the game is rather simple to control. To move your players around you may use the D-Pad or the Left Analog Stick rather than the left stick only like in Madden 09. When you pick a play, you get a a menu that is more similar to older Madden games (Madden 07) where you get a row of 3 plays after selecting a formation and you can cycle up and down through the rows of plays and press the corresponding button displayed over the play you want to select it. Madden 08 and Madden 09 used a menu for plays that was more like a window with four squares and you had to scroll over the play you wanted. I am quite glad that this was removed. When playing on the field, R2 lets you sprint, Triangle lets you jump (hopefully letting you catch or intercept the ball), Square lets you dive or tackle, and most of your other needs are on the Right Analog Stick. On offense you juke or dodge by pressing the stick in a direction, and on defense you hit an opponent close to you hard by pressing the stick in their direction. There are more advanced controls, but the game itself is rather easy to control and feels a lot easier to control than in Madden 09. The biggest change is the Fight for the Fumble. If you fumble the football and you don’t get up then other players on the opposing team will come to you and a mini-game acitivates. This involved jamming on the button displayed which cycles through randomly until the game declares who has the ball. It can be a bit annoying when you take a fumble and then lose it because of some Mario Party bullshit, but you can just turn this off in the options.

The game is very well tuned with many nice features. As always you can change the difficulty from Rookie to “All-Madden,” change the quarter lengths, change your playbooks, and more. When you select your team, you get the new ability to customize your teams uniform. You get the selection of the Home and Away uniforms as well as any throw-back or classic uniforms you have, but you can now mix and match those uniforms. While it tends to create some nausiating colors (Eagles throwback shirts with green helmet and black pants = tacky!) you can create some cool looking outfits for your team to pummel the other team in. A problem with this is that the game tends to take some time to load the uniform each time you make an alteration. Not a huge deal, but if you are too impatient you’ll likely be deterred from changing your uniform. There are also “Madden Moments” which are like challenges asking you to replay moments from the 2008 - 2009 season like doing the game-winning play for the Steelers in the SuperBowl or to rewrite history and make the Steelers lose that game. There is also the Madden IQ test back again as well as the Franchise mode, Superstar mode, and other modes most of the newer Madden games have.

While on the topic, this game is absolutely beautiful in HD. The graphics are top notch and the presentation is solid. The game is somewhat themed around last season’s SuperBowl which was the Arizona Cardinals going against (and losing to) the Pittsburg Steelers as you may have noticed from the box’s cover art. It’s the first time two atheletes are on one Madden cover, and the game seems to love reminding you of this. These two men are on the box art, the manual, the game disc, the preview screen before loading the disc, and all over the main menu. It’s a little annoying, but I guess those two deserve it. What is truly annoying however is the Snickers ads. Every time you start a game, you are reminded by Snickers to prepare for a “Chompetition,” to be a “Chompion,” and to “Chews wisely,” during the coin toss. After that you don’t really see Snickers around, but you see this every time without fail when you start a match. The announcers even speak out these “chomp” puns.

The Announcers, by the way, are still Tom Hammond and Chris Collinsworth. Madden 09 was the first to have these gentlemen. Madden doesn’t announce at all in this iteration. He used to have the half-time recap to himself in Madden 09, but all he gets is a few soundclips here and there through the game like before you press start. Tom Hammond is alright, but Chris Collinsworth is the biggest douchebag of all time. He won’t hesitate to praise your opponent and put you down. He loves himself and loves to talk about himself. “I was a pretty terrible quarterback when I was in highschool, but I NEVER threw that many interceptions in one game.” There are some familiar quotes in Madden 10 that you hear in Madden 09, but most of the commentary is fresh. The music in the game is rather nice as well. “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys, “Them Bones,” by Alice in Chains, “Revolution” by Bang Camero, “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath, “Walk” by Pantera, and a lot more (I wouldn’t know about the rap songs for I have turned them off).

The thing that seems to be a big deal is that now you can play online cooperatively as well as continue to update the rosters according to the season in real life this fall. The same roster updating was in Madden 09, but I believe EA Sports have discontinued the updates so that you’ll want to buy Madden 10. Sneaky bastards. The ability to update the roster as the season goes on means that if a player is injured in real life, traded away to another team in real life, or even dies in real life, an update shall change this in the game to reflect it. Those who do not have online connections won’t be able to keep up sadly which also means you can’t have Michael Vick in the game, the dog-fighting charged quarterback who has recently returned to the NFL on the Philadelphia Eagles. Since Vick returned to the league after the game was made, EA Sports decided that an update shall suffice. Madden 10 allows for you to create your own team, player, stadium, and uniform much like older Maddens, though the creation tools seem rather fun to play around with. Trophies (or Achievements) are included of course, as they are some fun things like “Intercept a pass by Tom Brady,” “Take the lead with only 30 seconds left,” “Before passing, stay in the pocket for 10 seconds,” and more. These have to be done on a 5 minute game on the All-Pro setting, however. Most of them seem easy, but trust me it’s hard to get the opportunity for it to happen.

Madden 10 is a step up in almost every regard, though there is a difference I’ve spotted that seems like a step down. In Madden 09 you could select a profile for each player who is playing a game with you in local play. These profiles kept a record of your wins, losses, and ties as well as many other stats. You could try to achieve certain ranks for good performance. Madden 10 seems to only let you have one main profile on at all times so if you have friends who play the game with you alot they won’t be able to have the game keep their record for them. You can fix this by getting a pen and a piece of paper. There is some other stuff in this game that is new, but it’s mostly technical babble that even as a Madden fan I don’t care enough about to notice or mention. I suggest getting this game if you don’t have any Madden games, are a fan, and are willing to pay for it. If you’ve already got Madden 09, you’ll need to be a really big fan to make the step up, but trust me when I say Madden 10 is great and it’s better than any other Madden game.

PROS:
-Improved AI
-Gorgeous Graphics
-Uniform Customizing
-Up-to-Date Rosters
-Better Controls
-Better Menus
-Good Music

CONS:
-Fight for the Fumble
-Snickers
-Loading Times On Uniform Customizing
-Lack of Multiple Profiles in Local Play
-Almost Too Themed on Last Year’s SuperBowl

Article by Christoph.

With week 5 of the tennis season coming to an end, I decided to check out some tennis matches for when the time for voting came around. One match that really caught my eye was The Electric Teal Joltoen of Terror (lead by AjaxCubed and Piodx) vs. Team Gilgamesh (lead by Moogle and ChrisGendo). Knowing that both doubles teams are known for their outstanding editing work and crazy visuals, I thought that this would make the perfect match to cover.

THEY TURNED OFF THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE LIKE IN THE WHAT by AjaxCubed and Piodx

We’re starting off this match with one impressive serve, and knowing Ajax and Piodx’s style, I knew that this round would impress me with a nice fast pace and really awesome color effect. The stutters really fit in well with this pace, especially with the added distortion. The effects are definitely mind blowing. The colors and the feeling of having a seizure make it eyegasmic (I know that’s not a word but you know what I mean). Overall, this was an excellent round.

CATGIRL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE DOESN’T TURN FLANDRE ON ANY MORE by Moogle and ChrisGendo

Team Gilgamesh really wowed me in this round. Keeping with the pace of the serve, the stutters, effects, and the overall feel to this round was magnificent. The colors used in this round were nicely blended and, overall, just really cool to look at. I also liked the compositing (or maybe it was chroma keying) used in this round to have some of the colors and effects kind of overlay some of the material used. Another thing I really liked about this round (more about this whole match overall) is that it’s very distortion heavy. A lot of you might hate it, but it really fits well with what we’re seeing on the screen. Overall, this was a very fantastic round.

ALIEN TIGER’S SEXUALITY IS NOT IN POSIBLE RISK by AjaxCubed and Piodx

This quite possibly could be the peak of the match; just simply amazing. There is no word in the English language to describe how awesome and surreal this round was. I though picking up at a faster pace in this match would be impossible, but The Electric Teal Joltoen of Terror has proven me wrong. One thing I just simply loved about this round was just the whole seizure feel to it. The strobes and the colors just amazed me. Another thing I really liked was the masking and layering. It really made this round insane and just fun to watch. Overall, it’s fantastic, amazing, splendid, magnificent, whatever. This round was just downright awesome.

RISK OF SEXY HEIAN ALIEN COSSACK INVASION by Moogle and ChrisGendo

It’s the final round and what a round. Fantastic visuals and kept at a slower, but really nice pace. I though the little clock affect going on in the beginning was pretty funny and cool and that same time, though I thought it was much cooler when the alarm rang and split up into four or so layers. I really loved the effects and colors (haven’t I said that enough?), mostly do to the fact that I can barely see the original source. The ending is what really caught my eye: stuff flying everywhere with a nice looking pool of colors in the background. Overall, even though the final round was set a slower pace and maybe not so effect heavy as the last round, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t fantastic.

In conclusion, this was just an amazing match. Both teams are known for their fast editing and amazing effects, so combining them just made this match hard to miss. After re-watching this tennis for a few times, the decision on who to cast my vote to was really difficult, but in the end, I’d have to say that Ajax and Piodx did a more outstanding job, so my vote goes to The Electric Teal Joltoen of Terror. Team Gilgamesh also did a fantastic job too, but it was the final round that kind of killed it for me (yeah, I know that sounds harsh). Overall, a fantastic match and I recommend those who haven’t seen it yet to definitely check it out, unless you’re one of those types who aren’t fond of rape matches.

Brought to you by the PBS Educational Foundation and by contributions from viewers like you. Thank you.

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The video’s level of unexpected humor starts at the beginning, when Orson sits there and does nothing while the actors act. The director questions why Orson wasn’t getting his cue and soon, he begins to mumble his lines in some sort of faux-Scottish accent and creating some unexpected laughs from his sudden inability to even coherently act. All throughout the take, the director becomes impatient with Orson, wanting him to act sober while Orson keeps on acting drunk throughout the commercial outtake. Unlike the “Frozen Peas” outtake, the commercial shows a more humorous outlook on Orson without blasting his ego from the rooftops of the world, but like the aforementioned outtake, it shows a self-destructive part of him that ultimately led to his death at age 70. Despite the dark nature surrounding the commercial outtake, its humor has led me to believe that it would do a decent job as a potential source for YouTube Poops.

At the same time, parodies of Orson Welles can be humorous and can be used as potential mainstream sources, but one stands out in my opinion. It’s from the Upright Citizens Brigade Midnight Show collection on YouTube and it expands upon the original inebriated Orson Welles outtakes by adding two minutes of slapstick-inspired humor and self-referential comedy. It’s very humorous and contains such scenes as Orson talking to a crab about how he was used by the studios to become this sort of ego who drowns out his life through alcohol and badly written commercials, Orson bringing a chicken on the set and quoting parts of the “Frozen Peas” outtake in order to ward off the directors, and falling over because of his drunken stupor. When one tries to explain it, it comes across as some sort of hackneyed sketch performed by an excellent troupe from Los Angeles, but it has to be seen. In that reason, this would also be an excellent source to use in future YouTube Poops.

Unlike the original outtakes, these outtakes were definitely scripted and show some signs of Method-esque acting, the person portraying Orson mirroring his mannerisms to that of an inebriated person’s actions while under the influence of such spirits. However, this shows signs of potential video manipulation, where one could use effects in whatever video editing software they use and implement these effects to further add to the humor that is the scripted Orson Welles outtakes. One could also do sound effects to completely distort or make unrecognizable the sound (while accenting some phrases that one would like to exploit, i.e. “Orson, lose the fucking chicken” or “THE FRENCH…THE FRENCH!”) that was in the original sketch.

Article by Malkmusian.

Round 1- Mycroprocessor- Obelisk is an Awesome Word
The serve gets the match to a running start. It has a good match of fast-pased effects and slower ones, and serves well as being something that can be edited easily while still standing on its own. There’s a lot of interesting transition and effect work in the round, and some great moments of frame-by-frame flickering. Overall, this is an interesting serve that gets the match to a good start.

Round 2- FuturesPassed- Obelisk Was Once A Wonderful World
Futures does really well on the volley, making a video that carries a lot of the themes of Round 1 while still being its own round. One of the most interesting things he does with this round is use the same few transitions throughout the match, sort of tying all the different parts together as if someone was flipping TV stations. The transitions are the high point of the round- there are a lot of them, which is usually something WMM poopers don’t use a lot of. It’s a really unique round overall, and feels very tied together and coherent.

Round 3- MycroProcessor- Obelisn Was Twice An Amazing Age
This round amps up the intensity by a lot, using a lot of more effects and stutters throughout. It’s faster-paced than the first two rounds, and the different parts of the match go by fast. However, it isn’t all full-on rape yet- there’s a lot of slower parts, too, and a lot more new source material than you’d expect from the way the match has gone. You can tell from the length, it’s about fifteen seconds longer than the first two rounds, and they’re all packed with goodness. It tries to increase the intensity of the match while still including a lot of slower material to edit, too, and I think it definitely succeeds with that.

Round 4- FuturesPassed- Obelisk Wasn’t Able To Make It To Third Base
This round continues the strange trajectory of the match, in that it’s both faster and slower than the previous one. There are scenes of fast, transition-filled rape- Futures again showing his skill with using transitions- and then there’s also longer scenes of unedited footage. The new sources he adds to this round don’t seem to mesh well with the rest of the round- the switch between superfast rape and unedited new sources is a bit jarring- but overall, it’s still a pretty good round.

Round 5- Mycroprocessor- The 4th Bass Drum SUbscribes to Obelisk
Here is where we get what we were waiting for. There isn’t any unedited footage here- though I can understand why it was included in the last couple rounds. But this round is just pure, straight brainrape. It’s fast and confusing, but a bit easier to understand than Mycro’s usual stuff due to the use of WMM. A lot of transitions are used here, and used very well, and overall the round is really intense but yet not quite ear rape at the same time. Sorry I can’t have a better description- at 29 seconds long this is the shortest round so far, and brainrape is hard to describe correctly. But overall, good stuff.

Round 6- FuturesPassed- The World “Subscribe” Is Considered Awesome To The Five Obelisks
And this is the most intense round yet. Virtually no original sources are visible here- it’s all been effect’d and transition’d into oblivion. It’s fastpaced rape at its finest. One of the most interesting things about this round, and the whole match in general, is that while the matches have been fast-paced they haven’t been that loud at all. It’s brainrape, but it isn’t quite ear rape, and I really like it.

Overall, this match was a real surprise. Mycro and Futures aren’t generally known for using WMM, and it’s great to see that their styles translate to the program. If you like rape tennis, you’ll love this match, and it was really skillfully played by both participants. I really enjoyed this match, and it shows another side of the things that Windows Movie Maker is really able to do.

Article by strong414bad.

Organizers DaftPunkYoshi and strong414bad are avid Tennis players, each with over ten matches under their belts. Both are impressive Poopers, and they have organized an impressive tourney. Strong414bad told me how the organization of this competition began: “It all started with the original Windows Movie Master match, between Emperor Ing, NS2 and me. DaftPunkYoshi saw this and a couple months later PM’d me about starting another Windows Movie Master multi-way match, but to include a lot more people in it. I thought it was a great idea and made a thread about it, and enough people were interested that we both realised that we could turn it into a tournament.”

When I asked strong414bad what he thought about the conception of WMM as inferior software, he answered, “The funny thing about that conception is that there is some truth to it. There are a lot of things you can’t do in WMM that you can do in other programs.”

Many users of the software are quick to observe its faults. “Normally,” says DaftPunkYoshi, “I would see people complain that WMM crashes all the time and won’t bother going back to it again and people complain that WMM can’t do this or can’t do that.” Indeed, even people involved with Windows Movie Master 2 have had their share of difficulty with it. “It’s a delicate program, yes, but it is definitely not an inferior one,” remarked tourney player TheChutley about the software. Good editing, according to him, can be attributed to a good user: “When you see poopers, who are new to working with it, like quax94 and MycroProcessor, create such high quality material, you begin to think differently about WMM. I’ve gotten a few comments myself such as, ‘My God! You’ve cured WMM AIDS!’ But there really was no AIDS to begin with. It’s just a severe lack of creativity in the user.”

Emperor Ing vehemently averred a much different opinion about the common conception of WMM. “To be blunt,” he answered, “it is a crock-load of horseshit. [The first] Windows Movie Master [had] the sole purpose of showing off the skills and abilities of WMM which I feel a lot of uneducated (re: stupid) poopers tend to overlook. They get caught up on what WMM can’t do, and forget about all the things it can do.”

Though his opinion is more modest than Ing’s, strong414bad does not sell his signature software short however: “With custom effects, a lot of people — myself included — have been pushing the boundary of things that you really can do with the program.”

Where Ing, strong414bad, as well as DaftPunkYoshi agree is that WMM can be excellent editing software. “We had people using effects and techniques that most people have never seen or done on WMM before,” DaftPunkYoshi fondly observed about the tourney.

“WMM has a great potential for humor for me, since the editing is always so obvious, that if poorly done, it gives off the so-bad-it’s-good vibe, which is a type of humor I have loved for as long as I remember,” Emperor Ing testifies. “Nowhere else can something be so blatant as Slow-Down x2, or Hue Cycle Spectrum…WMM editing always has a way of making me laugh.” Strong414bad mirrors this sentiment, saying, “One of the best parts about it, at least in my opinion, is that no matter what you do with the program it’s still instantly recognizable as WMM. Every video made with WMM has the ‘WMM Feel’ that other editors can’t even begin to duplicate, and I like it.”

With the second gameweek of Windows Movie Master 2 now underway, the matches promise to become more increasingly laudable and entertaining, strutting all the stuff that WMM can do, but the first gameweek made a splendid showing.

One of the greatest spectacles of the first week of Windows Movie Master 2 is the showdown between GameBop and Emperor Ing, two of the finest known users of WMM. “I feel that it is probably some of the best tennis that I have played,” Ing said when asked how he felt about the match. “This is not to say that this is the best match I’ve had, but rather, this is where I actually would surprise myself with the directions I took in editing.”

Ing’s slower and comedic style might have put him out of his depth facing a Pooper like GameBop, so he took an interesting approach: “GameBop is quite known in the inner-poop circles for his heavy use of effects, so I kinda knew that if I tried to keep pace with all that malarkey, I’d be going nowhere fast. So I kinda reverted to what I have always reverted to: extremely poor and lazy editing. At the very least, if I didn’t win, I would have gone out laughing.”

Round 1- Burglary on a Chessboard

GameBop opens the match with what some called the best serve in the first round of the tourney, with comedic stutters, skillful juxtaposition, and some excellent custom special effects. His serve is a single-source video that features some of his signature material: Alfred J. Kwak. GameBop knows how to make the most of this material: His effects work produces some of the most interesting sights WMM can produce, such as a neon lights effect he created himself, and he doesn’t neglect to insert unedited lines of dialogue for its comedic value: “LET’S GET STARTED,” and “THIS IS A CHESSBOARD QUEEN, BOYS,” had me grinning widely. Not only visually impressive but amusing and funny, this round was a great way to start his match with Ing.

Round 2 - Lester the Molesting Mole initiates a Gay Burglary

Ing returns the serve with a somewhat unexpected second round. He adds Hotel Mario into the match, abusing Mario saying “GAY” for some great humorous effect. Ing doesn’t entirely abandon what the previous round set up — he adds stutters, visual effects, and ear rape of his own – but the round excels in part where Ing has added his Hotel Mario jokes. I have mixed feelings about this round, as the unexpected humor entertained me, but it didn’t feel as though it adapted extensively to the previous round. This volley can stand alone as an entertaining video, but it’s a mediocre return to an excellent serve.

Round 3 - During the Inital Burglary, Lester gets Stung

In round three, GameBop builds on the stutters and repetition of the second round, and he wrecks the Hotel Mario footage with some intense, color-shifting and picture-in-picture effects. The juxtaposition of footage in this round, as well as some of the comedic moments of unedited clips, harkens back to the techniques employed in the serve. GameBop retains Ing’s repetition of Mario saying “GAY”, but he removes the context, filling the space between repetitions with heavy effects, both visual and audio. This interesting balance of constructive and destructive adaptation made me lean heavily in favor of GameBop.

Round 4 - Lester’s Followup Theft is Poorly Executed

Then came round four. I don’t think anyone saw this one coming. Ing retained much of the effects work of the previous rounds and in some places built on it, but he removed most if not all of the audio from the last round. More Hotel Mario video and audio was inserted into the round as well. But the stark feature of this round was that, with the audio of the last round stripped away, Ing replaced it entirely with a word-splicing audio Poop of Wand of Gamelon and Faces of Evil – which had me nearly rolling with laughter. “GameBop is a pretty clever and skilled tennis player,” said Ing, “but I think anyone would have been thrown a bit off with my round 4. I know if I had been playing tennis normally, that stunt would have thrown me off. That is partly why I did it. The other reason being that I can’t help laughing at something as poorly done as ‘Squadala! We are fu-KING!’ I do what makes me laugh, which is a common strain among all of my videos.” Normally, destructive deviation from previous rounds is unimpressive to me, as it shows an unwillingness or an inability to adapt to the opponent’s techniques, but Ing stole the show for me with this round.

Round 5 - Lester continues to be forwarded to the mistakes of previous

Round five paled in comparison to four, I’m afraid, as GameBop tried his best to adapt to the calamity Ing had volleyed to him. The video on its own is impressive, as all of GameBop’s work in this game is. The visual effects are carried even further, with colored, distorted, and outlined video. GameBop wrecks the audio as well, adding stutters and pitch shifting effects. As near as I can tell, he introduced no more sources. If this were a serve, you would wonder what on earth the timeline of the video looked like in the editing software; it is intense and excellent. What this round lacks, however, is the unexpected kick of round four. I praise GameBop for making one hell of a round, but with the pacing and style chance of round four, it was difficult to follow up.

Round 6 - Orson Welles’ Burgal of a Lifetime is abound with Lester’s Mistakes

Ing did what he does best in round six, finishing the match with a novel round. He introduced drunken Orson Welles footage, continuing the early pattern of comic juxtaposition. Ing did not neglect to build on the effects of the last round, using the noisy, messy video between clips of Welles making a fool of himself. By this last round, the video quality seemed to have dropped significantly, having passed through WMM several times, but it was no detriment to this round; in fact, I think the loss of quality made it funnier.

Ing took the match and my vote in the bottom three rounds, but GameBop began the match with a potent serve and continued to perform well through the entire game. The sudden shift of editing direction in round four seemed to throw GameBop off the top of his game, and while his return was not bad in itself, it simply didn’t compete well in the face of such blatant, comic editing. GameBop vs. Emperor Ing is a match to behold, and it loses none of its charm when watched again – certainly a game to remember. As a judge of the first round of games, my vote went to Ing, but my compliments go to both players, who thoroughly impressed me with their fun match. Kudos, gentlemen.

Be sure to keep your eye on Windows Movie Master 2 as competitors continue to strike us with awe with their impressive skills with the most unassuming software available to a Pooper.

Article by RabbitSnore.

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I was told that getting naked can cure cancer.

Do you believe this is true, and if it were true, would you do it?

-TangerineImpz

——————————

While 9 out of 10 people agree with this approach, the 10th person claimed that the other 9 were guilty of drinking enormous amounts of Robitussin while watching Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” when agreeing to this method. I say fuck that 10th guy because Pink Floyd is awesome and also he’s probably Mexican. As of right now being nude will cure your cancer.

However, like most plot-twists from Twisted Metal games, you must remain naked for all time or else the cancer will return. I had to decide. It took me all of ten seconds. Let’s face it, boys and girls: A man has to have his priorities. I killed Calypso about as well as I’ve ever killed anyone. Now that I’m free, I’m going to be the greatest of all time.

-Christoph

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My penis has recently turned into a savage dragon and is constantly trying to kill me at every chance it gets.

My doctor recommended therapy, but instead of professional medical aid I thought I’d ask someone who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

Thanks.

-JimPaladin

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Dear JimPaladin,

Two years ago, I had a similar problem: my penis turned into a feral tiger and attempted to maul me at every turn. Unlike you, I did not waste time contacted medical personnel and went straight to someone who didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. My friend Ferdinand recommended dousing the bitch with gasoline and lighting her on fire with an acetylene torch. This worked wonders: the tiger was killed and my penis only needed 97% of its skin replaced with grafts. I recommend you do likewise to this dragon.

Kill it with fire. And take pictures. I want to see that shit.

-RabbitSnore

——————————

Dear Snake,

Why does your butt look so nice for an old guy?

Sincerly, Byakuya

——————————

Why are you looking at my old guy butt? I’m going to call mall security on you. Go back to your Hot Topic stores that think it’s cool to sell only five DVDs: Super Mario Brothers, Invader Zim, Nightmare Before Christmas, My Chemical Romance on Tour, and How to Bleach Your Anus Part 2. I paid twenty bucks for part one so why is part two thirty bucks? God damn scammers.

-Christoph

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One day, a friend of mine, seemingly out of the blue, decided to make an odd statement.

He decreed that cow sperm probably just tastes just like warm milk.

Would you agree with this, or not? Explain.

-TangerineImpz

——————————

Dear sir, I do believe that your friend is lying. For if he actually knew what cow sperm tasted like… he’d be dead.

That’s right. Cow sperm is lethal on contact. Nobody knows why, but it is. I suggest alerting your friend this very instant and telling him this, because if anyone decides to sample said sperm under his suggestion, that would make him a murderer.

And why would anybody be drinking warm milk? What is this? A senior home?

-RideTheCatfish

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Why is MEIAIDS so cute?

-LolBananaPhone

——————————

Banned forum members tend to be a lot cuter like goody goody cocksuckers like MetalKoopa. It’s kinda like how a dog is a lot cuter in a cage before you let it out of it’s cage and starts to do nothing wrong at all. It’s boring, annoying, and makes you want to punt the fucker across a field.

-Christoph

——————————

How do I become a bishop or any other type of clergy for youch1?

-Olmec

——————————

Dear Olmec,

Our master youch1 does not accept worshippers or clergy. He has outgrown having a use for them. Soon he will outgrow having a use for you and be rid of you, as he is rid of all things superfluous in his kingdom.

Run while you can.

-RabbitSnore

——————————

The fuck’s a Gravidor?

-SergeantBacon

——————————

Are you kidding me!? I did not know that. Holy shit. I had no idea. We need to prepare a baby shower immediately! Do you know what kind of things the fuck will need? Wait, forget that. I think the fuck could use a new grill, perhaps a George Foreman one or one by some other celebrity. Oooh! This surprise baby shower is going to be sexy as hell!

——————————

I am in a bit of a holiday pinch. You see, Ganon froze the fountain, and thusly, the staple of my holiday gift-giving, water of life, is no longer available to give to my relatives living in Gamelon.

So I tried to go over to Harlequin’s Bazaar and pick up a few craftsy-stuff -you know, nothing too expensive, as I do not have enough roobies. However, this fat-ass pig keeps on saying that I work for him now, though I don’t remember ever signing a contract anywhere.

Tell me, what with all this job confusion, though the extra pay would be nice, I’d rather not work for a transvestite pig. But with my new paycheck, what should I get my relatives in Gamelon?

-Giftless in Goronu

——————————

Dear Giftless in Goronu,

I suggest killing the transvestite pig and giving your relatives in Gamelon a large smoked ham from his butchered corpse. This way, you solve two problems: You no longer work for swine, and you have a gift for your family.

I took the liberty of doing some research on Harlequin’s Bazaar and its managers. The alternative – which I do not suggest – is to work for this morbidly obese pig and have 50% of your pay withheld by the management to pay for your boss’s stomach stapling treatment so that he won’t be such an incredible lump of fat anymore. You will get shitty pay, no healthcare benefits, and no paid vacation. Murder is clearly the better option.

-RabbitSnore

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Which of the following signs may indicate a chemical reaction?
A. Change in color
B. Production of heat and light
C. Production of a precipitate
D. Production of a gas
E. All of the above

-dorgles

——————————

TIME FOR YOUR LESSON, DR. DOOM. CHEM 101: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RAPIDLY COOL HOT METAL?

What an awful movie.

-Christoph

——————————

Dear Old Snake,

When does the next Tony Hawk game come out?

-Guitar Hero Fan

——————————

According to the Intelligent Gaming Association, Tony Hawk Hero 6: Born To Be Wild will be released tomorrow. Then again, IGA has been known to make some errors with game information and tends to do poor reviews. IGA once announced that Legend of Zelda: Dungeon Dice would be released in 2007. When it was released in 2008, IGA gave the game a 4.4 claiming that the game was perfect but didn’t have an online leaderboard and took too long to be made.

You should depend on a more dependable website like GameInterloper or Ctrl+Alt+Esc. Also, I hear that the new Tony Hawk will let you play as the lead singer in My Chemical Romance as a young boy. Totally sick right, brah?

-Christoph

——————————

How do they make green Jell-O?

Love,
Ampi

——————————

The same way they make blue Jell-O, duh. What are you, a fucking moron or something? Get a about 5 dozen eggs, mix the fuck out of them, throw that away because that’s the wrong recipe, get the Rune Stone held by Zeratul, defeat the Overmind, take back Frostmourne from that asshole Arthas, navigate some random Vikings out of a space ship, destroy the World Stone, watch the universe collapse because you’re an idiot and destroyed the World Stone, and then add some food coloring and artificial flavoring that corresponds to something green and fruity. Just remember to keep this between you and me. It’s a secret it everyone.

…and I love you too.

-Christoph

——————————

I’m having slight problems with being a woman and puberty.

Why are we bleeding down there? Is that God’s way in saying that you are the female God and you bleed without getting cut? My nipples are erecting over coldness and dampness, I need help! Also please tell me about the whale in my front yard.

-Kacty

——————————

Dear Kacty,

God is indeed sending you a message through your menstruation. He is telling you that you are the inferior sex and should serve men, as they are your clear superiors.

You are bleeding because you are too weak to stand God’s love in you. The result is that your genitals bleed for several days each month, as the pressure of God’s love builds in your body and finally causes hemorrhaging deep beyond your vaginal canal. In men, this place inside the body is occupied by a magical organ called the prostate, which women lack. The prostate permits men to withstand God’s love without ill effect.

Unfortunately, you are a woman, so take your bleeding genitals and get back to the kitchen where you belong.

The whale in your yard is a hallucination. Take 800mg of Thorazine every morning and night. This should quell the psychotic symptoms.

-RabbitSnore

——————————

When birds burp, does it taste like bugs?

-RideTheCatfish

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When a bird burps, you will always taste bugs in your own mouth. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Pterodactyls and apes once fought a great war, and the result of this conflict was victory for the apes by a slim margin. Over time a majority of the survivors on both sides evolved, but the last of the pterodactyls put a curse on our wretched species. This curse plagued us with this taste each time a bird in your area burps. Even now you should be tasting this, but in 1632 a young grasshopper made a pact with some old guy and his puppet. Due to the strides of these souls the taste is no longer noticeable except for during your sleep. So the next time you have an odd taste in your mouth as you wake up, don’t blame the thousands of insects that can crawl into your mouth as you sleep through-out your life. Blame those damn dirty pterodactyls.

-Christoph

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Why is it that I’m not supposed to urinate on an electrified fence?

-A man with a Brain Tumor

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It’s supposed to give you a brain tu… ohhhh…

I hear that taking off your clothes if a good solution to that problem, sir.

-Christoph

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If you want to see your question answered, just send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, and naked pictures to “Old Snake” with the PM system on the forums. Again, PM the username “Old Snake” (with no quotation marks, silly) if you want to send us something to respond to.

As of now, provided most or all the games are completed, this tourney will produce close to 400 videos. The massive size of this Tennis Tourney has attracted attention even beyond the usual host of poopers from the United States and United Kingdom. One player, McMaNGOS hails from Sweden. The team Super Blitzkrieg Bros. is a team entirely of German poopers, largely from the German Youtube Poop forum YouTubeKakke. Blitzkrieg Bros. team leader MaRillion was himself surprised at how interested the German poopers were in participating: “After I got the permission to create a YTK team for the Season, the sign-up stocked more than I thought it would. A main reason was the extensive rules of this tournament. Another reason was that some members just do word-mixing: we’ve got 70% word-mixing fags and 30% random or ‘old school pooper’. And there’s this continuous argument between both groups.” Despite all the obstacles to organizing, MaRillion’s team sports the maximum number of players it can.

Teams have been organizing for the past several weeks, signing up on the Season Roster, where all the players and teams are displayed. The skilled players signed up for the Season promise an awesome spectacle. “All of the teams look really great so far- there isn’t one that I’d say is better than the other,” said strong414bad, member of the team Incredible Laser Sword and avid user of Windows Movie Maker. “If there’s one team I’m afraid of going up against, though, it’s the Electric Teal Joltoen of Terror. It’s full of the most extreme poopers out there, and I’m terrified of going up against any one of them with WMM.” But despite the competitive nature of the Season, strong414bad has not lost his sense of delight in challenge: “I’m looking forward to playing against the Pachinko Warriors, of course — I have the rivalry between our teams to think of — and playing against the Windows Movie Maker Miscreants should be fun, too, since I was so close to being one of them. But all of the teams look really good so far. I don’t know who’ll win.”

The Windows Movie Maker Miscreants strong414bad very nearly joined comprise several poopers who specialized in using WMM, arguably the worst editing software available to players. Asked what he thought of his chances against more sophisticated software such as Adobe Premiere or Sony Vegas, Season player Christoph had this to say: “I’m quite pleased to be a part of the Tennis Season with such a wonderful team. One would assume that being WMM users makes us easy to defeat, but me and my team mates are quite talented with WMM and have been known to give anyone a great match in tennis or create amazing videos outside of tennis. I have full confidence in my team’s ability to utilize their special abilities and overcome the special abilities of any opponents. WMM users tend to be very crafty, and regardless of the ‘advanced software’ others use we’ll find a way to give our opponents a run for their money…. Anyone who doubts the potential of this team should take a look at the WMM Tennis Tournament currently running.”

Indeed, Season players never miss an opportunity to put their confidence on display, as can be seen in the Poop Season General Discussion and Shit-talking extravaganza.

Pooper are duly excited by the prospect of the Poop Tennis Season and its potential for matching excellent competitive Tennis matches. Be sure to keep an eye on the Tennis Section of the Forum from July 12 to November 21 for Season matches!

Article by RabbitSnore.

During this down time, the YCP Investigation Team went into action, looking for any clue about the reason of the forum’s recent time problems. After hours of searching, all they could find were an empty “Hulk Hogan’s Ultimate Grill” box, a ripped Hulkamania tank top, and grill marks upon the mangled corpse of YouChew Poop.

“I had never seen anything quite like it. It would take a man of incredible stature to do something like this,” stated Thereisnospoon303 of the YCP Administration team.

It seemed as if the mystery could not be solved, but with the investigative prowess of Dopply’s cock, after breaking several kneecaps and thumbs of informants, the attacker was located on the evening of July 4.

Dopply’s cock had this to say: “I came as soon as I was called over. I was nearly flat out of ideas after we’d broken our ball peen hammer on an informant’s cranium. I thought that the supposed attacker had been framed by Randy Savage, but this had not been the case. It could have been no other than the man himself — Hulk Hogan.”

You may be asking, “Why would Hulk Hogan attack our beloved YouChew?”

It seems that our beloved American Hero had a recent run-in with the forum.

“I was walking down the beach looking for some action. I had my radio on a rocking rap station. I saw a girl in a sticky situation, and she asked me to give her mouth-to-mouth. Then her boyfriend came over and said ‘Stop being such a big jerk, or I’m gonna fuck you on an airplane!’ So I wrestled that pansy (mmm, brother) to the ground and used my patented Hulk Hogan’s Ultimate Grill to put him into a — also patented — Well Done Hulk Hogan Headlock, brother!” Hogan said during trial testimony. He was found guilty of assault, attempted murder, fucking with the space-time continuum, and forcible sodomy during court on July 4.

“Being the true patriot that he is,” said Dopply of the YCP Administrative staff, “I would have expected better of the man. He should have let the man just fuck him on an airplane, as any decent individual would have done.”

Hogan has since been let out of prison on good behavior and is currently going through anger management. Hopefully, he will better himself and not attack innocent men while he attempts to perform adultery and work his way back into our hearts as a true American Hero.

The YCP Administrative Team apologizes to the userbase of the site for any inconvenience the Hulkster may have caused and hopes that you had a wonderful American Freedom Day.

Story: For years, an 8-headed snake demon going by the name of Orochi terrorized a small village, demanding a maiden sacrifice at each full moon. When the deciding arrow strikes that home of Nami, a warrior smitten with her decides that he can not take any more, and goes out to fight the beast, vanquishing it with the help of a wolf that initially appeared to be one of Orochi’s henchman, but would soon be treated as a hero. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, that’s just the prologue. You take the role of Amaterasu, a sun god taken the form of a reincarnation of Shinsui, the wolf that aided the warrior Nagi. Orochi has returned after 100 years of slumber, and has cast the world into darkness. Wait…casting the world into darkness? NO! GENERIC PLOTLINE! NOOO!!! Despite this…hrm…obvious nuisance, the story does manage to get along well. As I was saying, the “Traveling Artist Issun”, a bug-sized pervert who hides in a wood sprite’s cleavage in the opening sequence, acts as your Navi (I’ll get to that later…). The story doesn’t necessarily end with Orochi, though, and don’t think this is an overly light-hearted story; many friends and allies will fall to the forces of evil. All of the tear-jerking, blood-pumping, side-splitting, heartwarming moments of Okami make it a story to remember.

Control: In this game, you run around a big field, you fight monsters with various weapons, have access to a few special items to use in combat, have an expandable life meter that can be grown by finding fragments, and you have a small annoying companion that follows you everywhere you go. Sound familiar? It should…if you’ve ever touched a Zelda game in your life. Despite having many Zelda mechanics, its many differences keep it from being a complete knock-off. For one, there’s a jump button, so you’ll spend a lot of time in combat leaping through the air. You can also take a wiz on your enemies. Never saw that in Zelda. Of course, though, the one thing that separates them the most is one of the things that makes Okami stand out: the Celestial Paintbrush. By holding R1, you freeze time momentarily and, with different strokes, release different techniques. A quick swipe makes a slash, a circle with a stem coming out makes a cherry bomb, and drawing a line from thunder clouds to your foes will electrocute them. Of course, there are many more. There are 13 brush techniques, but by traveling the land at the end of your adventure, you can uncover many more. Of course, your brushwork isn’t the only way to fight off enemies. You have three different types of weapons: reflectors, which are balanced in speed or power, rosaries, which deliver rapid attacks, and glaives, which blow massive strikes. Equipping one of these as a main weapon will allow you to battle primarily with them, while equipping another as a sub weapon lets you utilize its ability with the △ button. With 15 different weapons (5 of each kind), and equipping to sub or main, this leaves a lot of room for customability to fit your playing style (personally I’m a glaive man, myself). Other than fighting, you spend the game running across either an expansive field, a dense forest, a sandy beach, a frozen wasteland…it goes on. Now, I might be biased, since for some reason (it wasn’t the controller; I tried multiple controllers and it still had the same effect), the analog stick had a tilt; as in, when I ran forward, I’d always run slightly to the left. Annoying, yes; but it didn’t completely ruin the experience for me. Also, I should warn that the game doesn’t really pick up until the first dungeon, which…isn’t for a while, actually. Once it gets going, though, the game is really great. To sum things up, the control is tight, combat is fun (albeit occasionally repetitive), the Celestial Paintbrush rarely cheats on you, and all of this makes the adventure much more bearable than it could’ve been

Graphics: And here we come to the coup de grace of Okami: the art style. The graphics are like no other, resembling (as anybody who’s heard of this game has probably heard a thousand times by now) a painting. When you paint, the world becomes sepia-toned, suggesting that you’re painting on a scroll. Light shines from the weapon on your back as you trudge through darkness. Eerie spats of darkness roll through the countryside. Bursts of water, flame, lightning, and ice fly through the air with grace and beauty at your command. But of course, the most beautiful of all of the graphical sequences would have to be when you revive one of Sakuya’s saplings, a cutscene breaks out in which we follow flowers blooming all across the plains, trees sprout, animals reappear, and light spreading across the world. There’s not much to say about the graphics of this game that hasn’t already been said; the art design is pretty much the clincher that makes this experience truly amazing.

Audio: Another thing that Okami decided to borrow from Zelda: lack of talking. Well…technically they do talk, but in unintelligible babbles. Honestly, I’d much prefer to listen to nothing then be constantly submitted to their incessant warbles of noise, but, sadly, the talking can not be turned off. Eventually, though, you get used to it; it all becomes part of the background noise. Like the rest of the game, the music has this classic Japanese motif, with lutes strumming, harps plucking, flutes twirling, drums beating, wood clicking, and Japanese guys going “OOOOH!!!!!” I might not be fond of this kind of musical style, but it works in context. There are a few points where the soundtrack gets beautiful and epic, such as when you’re running to save the life of a queen before she’s murdered, or when you’re gaining the will to fight on from all of the people across Nippon who believe in you. The game ends with a beautiful modern song sung in Japanese to go along with a clipshow of the game’s events; a perfect way to end the game.

Length: It might be because I left the game on for hours on end without playing it, but I have 75 hours clocked into that game. And I didn’t even do the numerous sidequests. As you might’ve been able to guess by now, this is one hell of a long game. But its worth it; the game hardly ever feels like it’s trudging around (well, except when you travel to a new area and are forced to accept a new plot, but I digress). For the most part, the game will keep you enthralled, wanting to continue along, yet wanting to do little things on the side at the same time.

Replay Value: The game gives you some bonuses for completing it, so it’s worth playing a second time, around, since you’ll know your way around the initially confusing customs of the game, and you’ll have a higher chance at gaining all of the beads which grant you immortality. Chances are, you’ll like this game enough to give it a second try.

Boss Fights: The boss fights in this game are amazing; one is an enormous spider (Gohma, anyone?), one is a flaming boar, one is a massive 8-headed snake, one is an undead warrior poisoning the emperor’s body from within, one is a nine-tailed fox (lol Naruto), and then, to top it all off…a pair of owls. Despite the silly 6th boss, all of the bosses are epic, terrifying yet gratifying, difficult yet beatable. Most of them require you to utilize the latest brush power you’ve obtained (once again, a nod to Zelda). But just because you know how to beat them, doesn’t mean that beating them will be a piece of cake. They are all especially challenging, but if you keep your wits upon yourself, and manage to properly strike your blows, then no enemy is too strong for you. [still cracking up over the dreaded owls]

Extras: There are a whole lot of sidequests to do, such as gaining more pieces of heart (er, sun fragments) and gaining spirit beads that will help you reach immortality. Completing sidequests also helps you complete other, bigger sidequests, usually resulting in you gaining an extra, devastating brush technique. Sure there’s no multiplayer, and no wi-fi, but to be honest, who gives a shxt.

Final Statement: Chances are, this is the greatest game on the PS2. There are a few top contenders, such as the various Square Enix games, but for the most part, Okami tops them, mostly because it provides a lengthy adventure that even veterans to the game can enjoy, an art style all of its own, and a story that will deeply move even the coldest of hearts. If you have a PS2, get it. If you have a PS3, get it. If you like Zelda, get it. If you have an Xbox, throw it out the window, get a PS2, and buy this game. If you have a Wii, go ahead and get the game. For now, I bid you adieu, ma chérie.

9/10

Article by The Pope.

THIS VIDEO IS HIGH IN FIBER by Robochaox
The serve of all serves, this one ended up as amazing. A very fast pace set for a first round really made this serve feel like it was in the middle of the match already. Not saying it’s bad or anything, but god damn, it’s just insane. A couple things I really enjoyed were the layering. Flashing clips and random shit flying across the screen is pretty trippy and just cool to look at. Another thing I liked was the effects. The strobes and the flashing colors just look awesome. I also liked the major use of distortion in pretty much the whole round. I know some people just hate distortion or ear rape just completely, but my ears have adjusted to the distortion heard in all the other tennis matches I’ve seen, so I’ve come to like nice and loud tennis rounds. Overall, nice and pretty intense serve.

THIS VIDEO IS HIGH IN EVIL THOUGHTS by RAKninja
It’s something completely different indeed. Starting out as a very slow and, dare I say it, unedited pace, round two seemed to focus around adding a new source. Thought, I wouldn’t say it was that unedited due to various points of slowing down and reversing. There is one thing I did enjoy about this round and that is when it started to kick in about 21 seconds in. I really liked how different layers were flying around everywhere in a nice red color scheme, but even that was getting boring due to its repetitiveness. Overall, it’s not a terrible round, but there should’ve been a lot more of round one used.

THIS VIDEO WAS FUN MAKING by Robochaox
It’s time to step up the pace a little bit. Round three was, indeed, an improvement from the last round. Just like round one, really fantastic use of layering going on and just random shit flying around the screen. The time limit seems pretty stretchy; 1:43. It’s not too common in tennis today for rounds to reach up near 2:00. A couple things I liked about this round include a YTPMV were are treated to at 0:23. It didn’t sound like it was very complicated and it just seemed like a time filler, but I quite enjoyed the little riff that came out of it. Another thing I like was, again, the effects and layering. I just find it funny (for some odd reason) of just random shit flying around the screen with loud and distorted sound in the background. There was really nothing really bad about this round, except for the fact that there were points where there was nothing going on/nothing remotely interesting going on, especially toward the very end. Overall, nice round. Makes me curious of what the next round has to offer.

THIS VIDEO WILL BE CLENSED by RAKninja
Continuing to adding sources, round four almost suffers from the problems round two did… almost. Yes, a majority of the round was using a new source, but I was really enjoying toward the ending of the round. Some really nice visuals I could see were used without the hassle of that ever annoying distortion. That’s another thing I enjoyed about this round, the somewhat of audio-swaping: using that whining noise from the end of the last round. About the effects, I really liked the colors flashing and the use of mirror. It really made this round looked fast paced, but not sound fast paced. Overall, round four is a nice and soothing volley.

THIS IS A VIDEO FUELED BY MY LOVE FOR SUMMER TIME by Robochaox
What can I say, this round made me laugh, mostly due to the beginning of a distorted Beavis and Butthead clip. To be honest, this round isn’t as fast paced as the past two rounds Robotchaox had made. I think the problem is probably the adding of new sources. It seems (to me) that we’re seeing more new material than we are of the last round; not saying that ten seconds out of a one minute video is the past round, but more than half is a new source, but enough of my complaining, let’s get to the complements and the criticism. A couple things I liked were pretty much the whole section at 0:38. It was really nice and flashey and the various adding of layers just looked cool. One thing that bothered me is that this round is a bit too quiet. This match started out as a distortion craze fest, and now it has simmered down to like if this was being presented in an art museum. The empty feeling of sound makes this round feel half empty (yeah, I’m not optimistic; you should know me by now). Overall, it was pretty good, but like I said, too quiet and empty.

THIS VIDEO FUELED BY BUBBLE MANS LOVE by RAKninja
This round felt like a breath of fresh air, improvement wise. The round felt very fast paced and overall just enjoyable to watch. Glad to see that even though a new source was added, clips from the other round would be found throughout the whole video. I really liked the cropping used for the MegaMan scenes. Nice spinning and flying around the screen was going on. Another thing I really enjoyed was the frame switching. Out of no where, stuff from the last round would just butt in and make the round more watch able. The chroma keying (near the end of the round) was also really nice too. Layers of the last round flying around a MegaMan level looked really cool. Overall, really great round that seems it improved the match.

THIS VIDEO IS UHH, UMM, I got it!! ROUND 7! by Robochaox
Damn, this round was very intense. The layering (of course), the effects, and the addition of using Windows Movie Maker made this round a real eye opener. I really liked how it kept with the MegaMan theme by adding more sources of said game. The main thing that stood out for me about this round was probably the use of Movie Maker. I didn’t really know when it was used without looking at the description. “0:26 through 0:52 was made with Windows Movie Maker.” Well, looking at that section, I was blown away. The custom effects and transitions looked really cool and fast paced Windows Movie Maker wise. Though, I’m not real lean on the custom effects of WMM, but still, this was pretty damn enjoyable. Overall, great round and glad to see more use of Movie Maker.

THIS VIDEO IS DEFINATLY NOT ROUND 7 by RAKninja
The much anticipated final round. I really liked the different pacing in this round, starting with unedited Punch Out gameplay and the opening, and then embarking its way too crazy and fast paced editing with great use of cropping and different use of color effects. Even though this is nice and all, I didn’t really care for that nearly half of the round was an added new source. Since it’s the last round, I can’t really see a reason to add another source unless you’re just filling up time. I also didn’t like that a lot of the beginning had little to no editing. Though, the parts that did have little editing was pretty cool, especially at 0:19 when different layers were flying around the screen. Overall, not really the way I would like to see a tennis match to be ended, but it’s still acceptable in my book.

For my closing statement, I would like to conclude that this match was fairly good. Combining two different poopers with two different styles was actually very delightful to watch, even though some rounds did feel boring and unwatchable. I think the user who outstood me the most (I’m declaring a winner) would have to be Robochaox due to his remarkable effect work and his fast paced editing. Great match overall, definitely a recommendation.

Article by Quax.

This is the Nothing O’Clock news, where we get news so exclusive that the other media outlets wish to be like us instead of relying on a bad Chinese translator who write on a back on a toliet roll. Now for the main headline…

CAMERON DECLARES VIDEO EDITING TAX - The leader of the UK Conservative Party David Cameron today has announced a new video editing tax which would affect not only poopers (nickname of a video editor) on Youtube and other video uploading sites but also professionals for advertisement if he was into power. David says that the tax which is currently estimated to be 29% for every video uploaded is to ensure that the copyright holders are respected and to stop the credit crunch from getting worse. So far DigitalSpy, the BBC, Liz Green, Conrad Slater who was an ex-video editor and the Kent City Council have all agreed to this tax, however Ikwaylx the only pooper who has spoken on radio at this moment of time is against it by saying that it affect the enjoyment of both the community and the watchers as well as a breach in law. While politicans say that it will be UK only, US newsreader and politic guru Bill O’Reilly likes the idea as told by FOX News this morning. Bill says that the tax will also protect the citizens including himself who was mocked on various videos and hopes that Obama will proceed with the new bill which includes this. It is predicted through that there will be a backlash from the poop community against the tax.

BUSINESS: EA BUYS A VALVE IN THE WORKS - Electronic Arts (EA) has recently made an agreement which will mean that the monotonous publisher will buy Valve, a trusted video game company respected by many as the best for $500 million. Starting from the 1st June 2009, EA will get control of the Steam service which they will say that it will be renamed XStream to attract the more hardcore gamers who in the past have used XBox Live for their matches. EA will also include a pay to play feature which costs $1 for every game played and $10 for a multiplayer match but this will not affect current games on the service. Ian Cummings spoke to us and ensured that the games coming on XStream are Madden NFL 10: Special John Madden Edition, Burnout 6, Team Fortress 3: The Civilian’s Revenge, FIFA 10, Road Rash Nightfall, Double Life and a remake of General Chaos however Audiosurf will be removed on the grounds that Midway sued for ripping off Klax in an attempt to stop the bankruptancy.

There is no recipe in this issue due to the resident chef getting food poisoning.

In other news, the tennis staff on Youchew have annouced a top secret project, however so far no other details are known, most likely world domination. Gallers has won the European Drinking Contest which he narrowly beat his competitor; MaRillion by two pints of Old Peculiar. Finally in sport, Steven Gerrard of Liverpool FC, who is rightfully hated by the Scottish, has assaulted Fiddlesticks with grevious bodily harm and a spot of blood due to he thinks she’s a purple slut, he will be tried at Glasgow Crown Court- which due to the seriousness of the crime might be tipped to several years in prison. Fiddlesticks however has recovered from the trauma and set up the Afox Foundation with vvaluigi to protect foxes from the dangers of foxhunting.

That is all, see you in XYZ time.

The original idea to meet was thought up by Toadomos in a Skype chat with my friend Daniel, who is also know as iOzzniac on Youtube. I decided we could try and meet up at the Florida Super Con for fun. Four months later, time was coming and it was time to buy the tickets for the Con. I did, but Ozzi wasn’t allowed to come along; same goes for Guysafari due to him living too far and not having the tickets in time.

Jazykuun emailed me and told me she would meet me in the game room with her brother, so by the time I got there I looked around to see if I could find anyone, it wasn’t until 2 hours later until I bumped into Jazykuun and her Brother BlackNight. So we decided to work together and look for Toad seeing he only gave me a hint that he would hold out his plush dolls to show them off.

After some searching and some picture-taking we ended up taking a break and decided to chat about Youchew and what we do for a living. During the chat my cousin noticed someone holding a Charmy plush walking down the hall and she chased after them. When I caught up with them I saw Toadomos and Miss10 standing in the Anime screening room where they show Anime from Japan that hasn’t been aired here. I greeted them both and they let me hold the infamous plush dolls (They were kind of fragile to be honest…). So we decided to go back to the break room and have a chat on how things were for them.

Toadomos was a very fun guy, always shouting out what we should do next and where we should go to buy stuff.

Miss10 was very quiet but very creative (according to my Mother’s perspective). She didn’t talk much but when she did she had a lot to say.

Jazykuun was really nice and it was fun working together trying to search for Toadomos and Miss10, we took lots of pictures of cosplayers and bought some Japanese candy.

BlackNight was to my surprise a very funny guy, He would follow us nonstop and continue to get in silly arguments with Jazykuun over small things and later end up acting like nothing happened.

So everyone got along pretty well and we decided to keep each other in contact for anymore meetings in the future, which might be pretty soon.

We walked around, ate some candy, took some pictures, watched some Anime, and even sat through a boring speech on how Comic books are made (boring for me at least…). After all of that I ended up having to leave early due to the lack of having a ride home so I took a couple pictures of the group before I left so I gave them all goodbye hugs and wished them a good night — “See you on the Chew” to be exact.

The whole point is, I had fun and I am really happy to finally meet them all in person. Next year we plan on doing this again, maybe this will inspire some other Poopers to join the fun!

Article by Deepercutt. Edited by RabbitSnore.

I’ll start by saying that the two original Banjo-Kazooie titles remain my favorite video games of all time. That’s a very blunt statement, yes, but you have to understand the means in which I came about these two games. Wind the clocks back to Christmas 1998. I rip the wrapping paper off a rather large package and lo and behold, a brand-new Nintendo 64. I didn’t have a clue about what the hell it really was, but it came with two games: Mario Kart 64 and Banjo-Kazooie. The latter happened the be the first of the two titles that I snatched up and plunged into the cartridge outlet, and Banjo-Kazooie became the first videogame I had ever played. I was six. Up until that time, I have no idea what I did.

And don’t forget to not read this article while you’re busy eye-humping the new Youchewpoop Comics

That kindled my love-affair with video games that lasted for years, until my interest began to fizzle out into more occasional playtime. But at that time, I was trying to get at that damn Nintendo whenever I could, and Banjo-Kazooie was the only game I ever really played until I discovered the wonders of Blockbuster and rental games. Not only that, but I got my parents into the fucking thing, and we sat on the bed for hours with it. The simplistic mechanics and coloful graphics made it fun and easy, and not to mention addicting.

So when the game was finally beaten, what happened? Banjo-Tooie happened, that’s what, and almost immediately after I was over and done with the first one. This was in 2000, a rather rough year for our entire family. One or two deaths and my mum was in the hospital. I was just old enough to contemplate the emotional effects of a loss, so Banjo-Tooie helped take my mind off it all. I was once again enthralled, absorbed in the world of the bear and bird and their platforming adventures. Hurray, harroo.

So fast-forward to 2008, with the debut of the third main title of the B&K series - Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. I’m obviously not as obsessed with video games as I was back when I was ten, but this was enough to pique my interest. More than ten years after the release of the original game, how have the bear and bird held up? The first two games were some of the best platformers for any current-gen system, and by the looks of it the same crew is producing this one. How on Earth could this be a bad game, then, especially when it’s on a system nearly devoid of good platformers in the first place? So I buy the game, plug it into my shiny new 360, and fire it all up.

Well fuck me, Freddy.

Now, I’m not one to jump on the whole “baaw, my dead childhood, baaw” bandwagon. But I’m baawing about this, because my stomach just started to twist with the first few hours I spent with this game.

To start off, we have the plot of the game. Now, the concept isn’t too bad to begin with. We see Banjo and Kazooie, eight years since their last escapade, having grown chubby and restless with nothing to do. But suddenly, antagonist Gruntilda the witch (educed to little more than a skeleton head by her previous defeats) confronts our heroes, vowing revenge. But before that can happen, a mysterious figure known as the Lord of Games (or LOG for short) intervenes.

We learn right off the bat that LOG is a jackass, whether the developers intended him to be one or not. In one pitifully underexplained instant that’s loaded with so much fourth-wall breaking it’s not even funny, LOG attempts to quell the conflict by drawing the adversaries into a series of worlds and challenges he has created in order to settle things fairly. In order to get around and participate in these challenges, our heroes will be traveling around in vehicles.

That’s right, vehicles. In a series where the most high-tech thing the characters ever rode in was a bobsled.

Now for the interface. As the subtitle to the title of this game (Nuts & Bolts) might imply, you will be building things. And the nail’s hit right on the head there, because that’s all you do. In order to fulfill his apparent dreams of becoming a mechanic (what?), long-time game-staple Mumbo Jumbo has given up on his life as a shaman and has opened a warehouse. Here, you create your vehicles. The only limitations you have are your imagination and the somewhat clunky building pieces. To start off, you only have a small handful of practical pieces. As you progress, you find and unlock more pieces that essentially do the same thing, only at different power levels. Despite some limitations, creating the vehicles is pretty fun, especially if you have a friend around to enjoy it with you.

The bulk of the game is spent completing various challenges in different overworlds, which require a level of both ingenuity and luck. They range from races, to delivery quests, to defending a point and defeating an opponent. I found these challenges to get old and repetitive rather quickly. That may just be me, but racing some talking furry animal around an obstacle course becomes redundant after doing it for the twelfth time. I know, there were racing challenges in all of the Banjo-Kazooie titles. But they were few and far between.

Winning the challenges gets you Jigsaw Pieces. Like in all of the games, these allow you to progress further in the game. Dotting the overworlds are notes, which act as a currency. Gone are the quirky eggs projectiles, the feathers, and all of the other iconic collectables of the original games. Damn shame. It’s like getting rid of the coins in Mario or the rings in Sonic the Hedgehog.

Now, if you couldn’t have already guessed, this is not a platformer. You do some walking around, a few jumps here and there, but despite the claims Rare might have made to the contrary, this is not a platformer. The fun, creative moves that defined the bear and bird duo in the first games are gone, replaced with a magic plot device wrench, of all things, that does everything for you. If you need to grab something, it grabs it. If you get lost, it takes you where you need to go. There’s also a Gymnasium feature that allows you to train and become more agile, to the point of almost unnatural speed.

The game does not control very well, especially when you’re in the vehicles. It constantly feels clunky, like you’re driving around a brick with wheels (not too far from the truth), and one wrong move sends you head-over-heels. And no matter what the size of the vehicle is, it feels like you’re driving the same thing over and over again.

Sound-wise, I do commend this game. The music is one of the reasons why I love this series to begin with. Hell, I have tracks of the stuff on my iPod. Every level had its own unique sound and atmosphere, and there were very few duds. While the level designs themselves really don’t have a lot going for them in Nuts & Bolts, the music still shines. The orchestrated remixes of older tunes, mixed in with new ones, work perfectly and sound exactly how they should in a Banjo game. I love Grant Kirkhope. I bet the guy’s farts even sound beautiful, and I’m glad they kept him for this game.

Aside from the music, we’ve got the usual Banjo-esque sound effects. No voice-acting, which I find a blessing. The characters still talk via grunts, cackles, what have you, with captions at the bottom. Might I add that it’s beneficial to upgrade the game online, as the text in the original version is small and very hard to read.

Graphically, this game looks wonderful. Now, I’m not a fan of the blocky, sleek new character designs, but for all intensive purposes I guess it works out. The worlds are beautiful, especially the rendition of Spiral Mountain. Water and particle effects are almost second-to-none as well. The work the team put into making this game look great is phenomenal. Unfortunately, the beauty is only skin-deep with this one. Graphics mean little if the game isn’t good, and I would do away with top-of-the-line graphics any day if it meant a better Banjo-Kazooie game.

So what’s the bottom line when it comes to this game? Honestly, I was almost thoroughly disappointed. While the game looks and sounds great, it’s almost a spit in the face to this series’ devoted fan base. While it works as a game, it doesn’t work as a Banjo-Kazooie game. All of the charm and quirkiness of the original titles, everything that made those games unique, is gone. Instead, we’re left with nothing more than a relatively playable, yet clunky and superficial vehicle/racing game to add to the ever-growing pile of games just like it. It’s forgettable in almost every sense of the word, and a near-injustice to a good series. While I understand that all franchises have duds, you’re talking about a series with four games, if you count the GameBoy ones. This game reeks of what developers have been doing to game series for a good deal of time now - changing things for the worse. It’s just a damn shame that a series like Banjo-Kazooie, a series that’s had two solid games over a ten year period, falls victim to a stunt like this.

It gets a 6/10 from me, on gameplay and interface alone, because sentimentality isn’t a proper factor in rating anything. But I grew up with this series. It was one of the things that near-defined my childhood. It not only introduced me to the world of video games, but stoked my interest. They are games I still play to this day, and while continue to play in the future. Like I said towards the beginning of this review, I’m not one to dwell on the destruction of my childhood, but this really bugs me. As the saying goes, don’t fix something if it ain’t broken. And that’s certainly the case here.

In 1974, Elvis’ popularity began to wane, even though the obese has-been singer was performing in Vegas, being paid in drugs by his shady manager, Col. Tom Parker, so the good Colonel cooked up a plan to get more money for himself (as Elvis records were paid directly to Elvis and RCA). He found a loophole that allowed him to take the between-song gabber that Presley performed for some reason and made this into an independent record he sold himself, “Having Fun with Elvis on Stage: A Talking Album Only”. At first, Colonel Tom’s label, Box Car, sold this at Elvis shows and Mr. Presley was OK, but when RCA bought the rights to it, making null and void the loophole, Elvis became infuriated that his manager would make a record without any real singing from him. Now, this record appears on “Worst Records” lists, being described as the phonic equivalent of a train wreck, so I decided to take a listen. I immediately found this to be comparable to Faust’s 1974 compilation for Virgin Records, “The Faust Tapes”, but with a strangeness that even Krautrock could not give birth to.

One of the points that stands out for me on this record is the very strange “Having Fun, Part 1″, where clips of Elvis giving out sweat-permeating scarves to rabid mothers and girls are interspersed with Elvis apparently acting insane, singing “Well, well, well….” for probably over a minute and calling himself the “NBC Peacock” while his band plays the NBC theme as a warm-up for the next song. Even though the jokes were alright at best, I began to laugh at whenever Elvis sang his “Wells”…because I began to wonder why Colonel Tom Parker would be desperate enough to do this sort of thing. At this point, I began to see that this was a document of Elvis’ growing insanity as he began to slowly wither away into the void, but I couldn’t stop laughing. However, at around nine minutes, Elvis begins to tell a story of how he got into show business and even told his career ambitions about trying to be an electrician. It’s pretty interesting, but it just could not match up to the impromptu “Wells” that Elvis supposedly sings after his life story. At fourteen minutes, you can catch the “NBC Peacock” identification and insanity begins to climax as Elvis gives out more scarves and tries to start a song that begins with “You know what I can’t do?” That was 18 minutes…and the fastest I’ve ever spent.

Side 2, “Having Fun, Part 2″, is pretty much the same thing, with Elvis handing out a seemingly endless array of scarves to fanatics while he introduces his friends, being his dad and Col. Tom Parker, to even more repetitions of the word “Well”. Also, the “You know what I can’t do?” song is halted so many times so that Elvis can act crazy on the stage. On Side 2, you don’t have interesting anecdotes to pass the time, which is why it feels longer and it starts to drag you down. As for me, I’m not an Elvis fan, but this record began to pull me in and I began to amaze at the horror that was the 37-minute sound collage. This is good material to use for sentence mixing and to destroy when making sound poops or when Ophios is making a techno album. This is the rock equivalent of what the typical Andy Warhol film is: boring, yet very strange and has a temptation to pull you in.

The same year that this record came out, some greedy executives in Britain that represented Virgin Records were handed the master tapes of home recordings by this very unknown band, Faust, and probably took this album as inspiration to turn the master tapes into a masterpiece of the Krautrock/sound collage genre, “The Faust Tapes”. If you’re wondering, “Malk, why are you comparing a bad spoken word record to one of the strangest Krautrock releases ever?”, then let me amaze you: the two records have the same structure and were instruments to introduce the said artists to new audiences (Elvis to the protopunk/disco generation; Faust to the British). They’re both spliced together in strange ways, they have no coherency, and they are surprisingly good. They show a side of the artists that nobody likes to stereotype (Faust is experimental, yet very listenable; Elvis is crazy, on the verge of a mental breakdown), but their All Music Guide ratings are unfair in a way. While Faust’s “Faust Tapes” gets four stars because of its history, Elvis’ talking record never gets high scores and proceeds to get blasted. I would like to change that today.

For an overall score of Elvis’ record, I give it four stars out of five because, despite the poor quality and the lack of true humor, it is a very interesting sound collage to listen to. Even if it doesn’t have the commercial aspect of “The Faust Tapes” and absolutely no songs on it (except for the “Wells” and the “You know what I can’t do?” song), I loved this record’s insanity and I’m now hooked on Elvis. Well, not really, as I don’t have his albums yet, but I may just dust off that LP I have of him and start playing it.

This is his magnum opus. I’m not kidding. I’m not joking.

Released this first of May for about every single fucking console and game handheld known to man (as video games based on TV shows, movies and other things often are), by Activison (and distributed by the kind folks at Activision Blizzard –PS: PEOPLE ASSOICIATED WITH THE SAME BLIZZARD THAT MAKES WORLD OF WARCRAFT OMFG!!!!!!) X-men: Origins takes, like I said, after the movie. And if you happen to have smoked your brain into the end product of an American youth and a can of spray cheese, the game is about Wolverine- the invincible, blood-savage badass who makes every other X-man look like a timid asian school student who can’t control their bladder. And the game shows this.

Well, I played the Playstation three version, so as you can guess the Cut scenes are absolutely as far as you can get away from looking like actual game play and old people and small children will easily get confused into thinking Hugh Jackman got pissed off at their television set. The opening cut scene alone is enough to make the entire movie it was based on not worth watching.

Anyways, as far as game play goes, God of War 4 doesn’t really break away from the norm. Wait. Did I say God of War 4? Ha ha, sorry, I meant to say X-men: Origins. The game play is cock-flaccidingly generic, and while it’s fun to play for a minute or two as a hack-and-slash the fuck out of your mostly defenseless enemies who are only there to serve as a punching bag to your sick amusement, that just didn’t cut it for me. As I joked before, you can easily get tricked into thinking Kratos just decided to grow a Deathklok hairstyle and beat the shit out of a bunch of Killzone 2 soldiers. While it’s pretty damned neat that they actually have thousands of different ‘wounds’ you can get (all which will heal before your very eyes), I’m not about to pork over sixty bones just to watch Wolverine shrug off getting his nuts blown off. While I’d love to say more about the game, all I can say is it’s like God of War in every exact detail. Even his fucking attacks are copies of Kratos’ own. I mean, sure, maybe an attack or two for a cool little ‘reference’ but this game goes so far as to rip a bunch of other games off. lordy

The plot is…. Uh, what plot? It losely follows the movie (note- italicize ‘losely’ about thirty thousand times right there) but it amounts to basically Wolverine running around kicking the fuck out of