Youtube Poop News

Attempted Fordtopia

September 27, 2009 By: RideTheCatfish Category: Poop News, Site News, Uncategorized 20 Comments →

Silence Poopgood, Youchew’s secret reporter, brings Youchew the scoop of poop news it deserves.

Obsessing over an obscure actor is nothing new from what one observes in Youchew; it is rather commonplace with people talking and arguing about which Margaret Gyllenhaal movie is most praiseworthy, or whether Johnathan Reys Meyer’s work in The Tudors outstrips his performance in Titus. Another day, another dollar for the average forum-goer around here, right?

However, sometimes, things get taken way over the edge. When il duce (or what some would say el douche) Conrad Slater disabled posting images, when the current junta leaders TINS and RabbitSnore (also sometimes called el douche) closed down the forum for three months just to be dicks, and now, what future poopers will call the Attempted Fordtopia.

I won’t try to sensationalize things. I am going only going to report the true goings-on of this event. This may not make the work as exciting as some overblown account of a tennis match. My work is not to meet the needs of an immediate audience, but to last for all time.

The Attempted Fordtopia grew out of the insane whims of a fringe cult within YouChew. This cult had misread comments by the reputed “Moses” or more accurately, “Gay Luigi” of youtube poop, SuperYoshi, who stated in an offhand manner “youtube poops should totally be called Harrison Fords now”. Sometimes all it takes is a single verse to set off a brutal sectarian war. In any event, the fringe cult, called the Fordists, took this definition quite literally and began infiltrating every facet of Youchew society, until they gained a foothold in the seemingly-omnipotent-but-surprisingly-corruptible Moderating Staff. The leader of the Fordists, a man known as Fordly, began to tighten his grip around the moderators and administrators, who were too busy fondling each others’ dicks to be completely aware of what was happening in the forum (this is fairly common among the Youchew staff; Conrad was known to touch himself for hours before finally realizing that he needed to ban pimpsahoy yet again. As Sonic sez, that’s NO good).

With the moderators and Administrators under control, Fordly began the final steps preparing his attempted Fordtopia. He reveled in the prospect of fulfilling SuperYoshi’s prophecies, pleasing his lord god Harrison Ford, and doubtless being fellated by all the forum members who would love and embrace their new god.

So on September twentieth, in the year nine-and-two-thousand, the Fordists struck, piercing Youchew to its very core. It started with the forum icons, innocently enough. However, seeing as this was not convincing the people to convert, Fordly took drastic measures. Youtube Poops were now forcibly called Harrison Fords, with YTPMVs being declared henceforth as Morgan Freemans. But even that could not stop the cult from its single greatest act of depravity: turning every single forum user’s avatar into a picture of their beloved: Harrison Ford.

Youchew is not known as a community that takes things lying down, I am proud to admit that. I am then also proud to say that Youchewers mounted a fierce riot against their inalienable rights. Many said NO! to Harrison Ford. NO! to forced avatars. Forum veteran TurkeyBeef inspired the masses with her pithy rejection of the new standard: “Bah…”

However, the reach of the Fordists was long, and High Priests SeductiveFord and Missharrison10 moved in to crush resistance with characteristic moderator brutality. However, the line was now drawn between the Fordists and the patriots of Youchew.

Fordly tightened his grip; not only were the avatars changed, but now one could not change them back! Users stared into the abyss, and they only saw the face of Harrison Ford staring back at them.

After this, things turned ugly fast as the small group of embattled Youchew Patriots felt surrounded by the forces of the Fordists. The patriot sisters, TurkeyBeef and Peeweesarno, along with longtime Youchew-goer Randomizer (now called WoFC to escape charges of counterfeiting and child prostitution) set the example by striking off their avatars altogether. If they could not be free to choose their pixelated face to the world, they would have none at all. Their demonstration gave faith to the Youchew Patriots, and disheartened the Fordists. The Sub-Deacon Fordist known as NegroHarrison reportedly said angrily of the demonstration:

“YouChew complaining? What a shock. Honestly, you people act like you have nothing in life besides this forum. “

Former forum mascots were not pleased. An anonymous mascot had this to say:

“Taking away MY spot as rightful mascot!? Next time I see this Ford loser I’m gonna pile-drive his face right into my ultimate grill, and I mean it, brother!”

Said another anonymous mascot:

“Hey you! Get offa my forum!”

Interestingly enough, an even smaller fringe cult called the Ronald McDonald Wacky Adventure Enthusiasts tried to use the disorder to push their own god and beliefs. However, NegroHarrison scattered the cult quickly, saying:

“Better than Harrison Ford?

Are you TRYING to get banned?”

One member was not afraid of getting banned, though, and he might be attributed one of the decisive blows against the Fordists. Resident youtube poop lover and a frequent producer of giant robot pornography, RAKninja solemnly stated “I am not a Ford Cafe Employee.” These steady, dependable words from a steady, dependable man caused a new heart-swell of support for the Patriots, and put Fordly and the Fordists at a serious disadvantage. Despite actions by Cardinal Thereisnoford303 and Arch-Bishop Emperor Ford, RAKninja would not back down, going as far as to throw the image of the Fordists’ god right back at them:

“do you want there to be 1000’s of harrison ford topics?”

The Fordists, although blind in adoration of their lord, realized that their grip depended on the stability of the forum, so they looked for ways to combat the likes of RAKninja indirectly before calamity could claim them. Fordly was growing desperate, and the work of the brave youchew patriots was seriously starting to weaken Fordist control. Even acts of brutality like changing the name of beleaguered and innocent forum-member The Pope perfidiously into “The Ford” were met with not gales of laughter, but cold silence.

The killing blow came, as it often does in history, with a single letter. Youchew expatriate, the renowned fanfiction author, artists, and forum crusader, WhollyRufus, sent out this decree to the Fordists that was so crushing, that I feel it is my duty as a historian to post it here in its entirety:

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE FORUMS?!?!
I have noticed that recently you have revolutionized the forums look and feel to be promoting that of Harrison Ford. You displease me greatly! While it is better than changing everyones name to dumb@$$ (Yes, I’m talking about you, Miss 10!) you have still done something very bad. Think about it, some kid who has just been inspired by the works of WalrusGuy, Deepercutt or IAmTheGang starts making his own videos in his or, dare I say it, her avid quest for attention and find that you leading community has succumbed to the scourge of randomness and meme to become something not even poopish anymore. You’re user count will not go up, it will not go down it will just stop! Where do you think all these dissatisfied people will go to? ME! And you wouldnt want that now would you? I know what you’re thinking they’ll never accept me… Oh no? I’ll tell them how you banned me because I was becoming too powerful, and when I lead 10,000 angry poopers to simultaneously register on you’re site… I’ll be more than their leader… I’ll be their saviour!

Thank you for reading!”

The threat of 10,000 righteous Chewsters under the command of beloved exile WhollyRufus was too much for the Fordists. The acts of the Patriots, along with the second front under Wholly’s command, started to fracture all of their power bases. The eternal church of Ford was falling even as it rose meteorically to capture Youchew. Fordly and the other cultists, seeing as their time was up, took the way of their god and killed themselves by drowning in green slime.

Fordly died immediately, but Thereisnoford303 was reported as uttering under his last breath “The Black Dragon… live ON!”

And with that, peace returned to Youchew once more. The Attempted Fordtopia was no more.I hope that with this record we will learn to avoid such outbreaks and such wanton displays of destruction. I however am proud of the works of the Youchew Patriots. They would not accept such a heinous avatar change, and fought back like any Chewster should. They deserve our praise, and more importantly, our respect for their display of courage against the wicked Fordists. But be vigilant, Youchew. The Ronald Mcdonald Wacky Adventure Enthusiasts DID escape the great purging, and are active, though insignificantly small. Also, rumors are on the rise of a group calling themselves the Holy Cheaver Church, with the stated goal of “robbing the poor and fucking everything that moves”. Be wary Youchew, but never give up your resolve. Your will to fight. And most importantly, your avatars.

Call from the Public 4: Christmas in July

July 13, 2009 By: RabbitSnore Category: Uncategorized 5 Comments →

After many months of silence, we have finally picked up the phone once more. Calls from the Public returns! In this special Christmas episode, we answer the questions you asked during the Christmas season in July. This time we have RabbitSnore returning to help answer some questions, and I have also enlisted the aid of others for this article. We deeply apologize to anyone who required answers to their questions in less than 6 months, but that’s what you get for relying on the internet for help. Without further delay, let us get to the questions.

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I was told that getting naked can cure cancer.

Do you believe this is true, and if it were true, would you do it?

-TangerineImpz

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While 9 out of 10 people agree with this approach, the 10th person claimed that the other 9 were guilty of drinking enormous amounts of Robitussin while watching Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” when agreeing to this method. I say fuck that 10th guy because Pink Floyd is awesome and also he’s probably Mexican. As of right now being nude will cure your cancer.

However, like most plot-twists from Twisted Metal games, you must remain naked for all time or else the cancer will return. I had to decide. It took me all of ten seconds. Let’s face it, boys and girls: A man has to have his priorities. I killed Calypso about as well as I’ve ever killed anyone. Now that I’m free, I’m going to be the greatest of all time.

-Christoph

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My penis has recently turned into a savage dragon and is constantly trying to kill me at every chance it gets.

My doctor recommended therapy, but instead of professional medical aid I thought I’d ask someone who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

Thanks.

-JimPaladin

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Dear JimPaladin,

Two years ago, I had a similar problem: my penis turned into a feral tiger and attempted to maul me at every turn. Unlike you, I did not waste time contacted medical personnel and went straight to someone who didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. My friend Ferdinand recommended dousing the bitch with gasoline and lighting her on fire with an acetylene torch. This worked wonders: the tiger was killed and my penis only needed 97% of its skin replaced with grafts. I recommend you do likewise to this dragon.

Kill it with fire. And take pictures. I want to see that shit.

-RabbitSnore

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Dear Snake,

Why does your butt look so nice for an old guy?

Sincerly, Byakuya

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Why are you looking at my old guy butt? I’m going to call mall security on you. Go back to your Hot Topic stores that think it’s cool to sell only five DVDs: Super Mario Brothers, Invader Zim, Nightmare Before Christmas, My Chemical Romance on Tour, and How to Bleach Your Anus Part 2. I paid twenty bucks for part one so why is part two thirty bucks? God damn scammers.

-Christoph

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One day, a friend of mine, seemingly out of the blue, decided to make an odd statement.

He decreed that cow sperm probably just tastes just like warm milk.

Would you agree with this, or not? Explain.

-TangerineImpz

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Dear sir, I do believe that your friend is lying. For if he actually knew what cow sperm tasted like… he’d be dead.

That’s right. Cow sperm is lethal on contact. Nobody knows why, but it is. I suggest alerting your friend this very instant and telling him this, because if anyone decides to sample said sperm under his suggestion, that would make him a murderer.

And why would anybody be drinking warm milk? What is this? A senior home?

-RideTheCatfish

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Why is MEIAIDS so cute?

-LolBananaPhone

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Banned forum members tend to be a lot cuter like goody goody cocksuckers like MetalKoopa. It’s kinda like how a dog is a lot cuter in a cage before you let it out of it’s cage and starts to do nothing wrong at all. It’s boring, annoying, and makes you want to punt the fucker across a field.

-Christoph

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How do I become a bishop or any other type of clergy for youch1?

-Olmec

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Dear Olmec,

Our master youch1 does not accept worshippers or clergy. He has outgrown having a use for them. Soon he will outgrow having a use for you and be rid of you, as he is rid of all things superfluous in his kingdom.

Run while you can.

-RabbitSnore

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The fuck’s a Gravidor?

-SergeantBacon

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Are you kidding me!? I did not know that. Holy shit. I had no idea. We need to prepare a baby shower immediately! Do you know what kind of things the fuck will need? Wait, forget that. I think the fuck could use a new grill, perhaps a George Foreman one or one by some other celebrity. Oooh! This surprise baby shower is going to be sexy as hell!

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I am in a bit of a holiday pinch. You see, Ganon froze the fountain, and thusly, the staple of my holiday gift-giving, water of life, is no longer available to give to my relatives living in Gamelon.

So I tried to go over to Harlequin’s Bazaar and pick up a few craftsy-stuff -you know, nothing too expensive, as I do not have enough roobies. However, this fat-ass pig keeps on saying that I work for him now, though I don’t remember ever signing a contract anywhere.

Tell me, what with all this job confusion, though the extra pay would be nice, I’d rather not work for a transvestite pig. But with my new paycheck, what should I get my relatives in Gamelon?

-Giftless in Goronu

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Dear Giftless in Goronu,

I suggest killing the transvestite pig and giving your relatives in Gamelon a large smoked ham from his butchered corpse. This way, you solve two problems: You no longer work for swine, and you have a gift for your family.

I took the liberty of doing some research on Harlequin’s Bazaar and its managers. The alternative – which I do not suggest – is to work for this morbidly obese pig and have 50% of your pay withheld by the management to pay for your boss’s stomach stapling treatment so that he won’t be such an incredible lump of fat anymore. You will get shitty pay, no healthcare benefits, and no paid vacation. Murder is clearly the better option.

-RabbitSnore

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Which of the following signs may indicate a chemical reaction?
A. Change in color
B. Production of heat and light
C. Production of a precipitate
D. Production of a gas
E. All of the above

-dorgles

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TIME FOR YOUR LESSON, DR. DOOM. CHEM 101: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RAPIDLY COOL HOT METAL?

What an awful movie.

-Christoph

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Dear Old Snake,

When does the next Tony Hawk game come out?

-Guitar Hero Fan

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According to the Intelligent Gaming Association, Tony Hawk Hero 6: Born To Be Wild will be released tomorrow. Then again, IGA has been known to make some errors with game information and tends to do poor reviews. IGA once announced that Legend of Zelda: Dungeon Dice would be released in 2007. When it was released in 2008, IGA gave the game a 4.4 claiming that the game was perfect but didn’t have an online leaderboard and took too long to be made.

You should depend on a more dependable website like GameInterloper or Ctrl+Alt+Esc. Also, I hear that the new Tony Hawk will let you play as the lead singer in My Chemical Romance as a young boy. Totally sick right, brah?

-Christoph

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How do they make green Jell-O?

Love,
Ampi

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The same way they make blue Jell-O, duh. What are you, a fucking moron or something? Get a about 5 dozen eggs, mix the fuck out of them, throw that away because that’s the wrong recipe, get the Rune Stone held by Zeratul, defeat the Overmind, take back Frostmourne from that asshole Arthas, navigate some random Vikings out of a space ship, destroy the World Stone, watch the universe collapse because you’re an idiot and destroyed the World Stone, and then add some food coloring and artificial flavoring that corresponds to something green and fruity. Just remember to keep this between you and me. It’s a secret it everyone.

…and I love you too.

-Christoph

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I’m having slight problems with being a woman and puberty.

Why are we bleeding down there? Is that God’s way in saying that you are the female God and you bleed without getting cut? My nipples are erecting over coldness and dampness, I need help! Also please tell me about the whale in my front yard.

-Kacty

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Dear Kacty,

God is indeed sending you a message through your menstruation. He is telling you that you are the inferior sex and should serve men, as they are your clear superiors.

You are bleeding because you are too weak to stand God’s love in you. The result is that your genitals bleed for several days each month, as the pressure of God’s love builds in your body and finally causes hemorrhaging deep beyond your vaginal canal. In men, this place inside the body is occupied by a magical organ called the prostate, which women lack. The prostate permits men to withstand God’s love without ill effect.

Unfortunately, you are a woman, so take your bleeding genitals and get back to the kitchen where you belong.

The whale in your yard is a hallucination. Take 800mg of Thorazine every morning and night. This should quell the psychotic symptoms.

-RabbitSnore

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When birds burp, does it taste like bugs?

-RideTheCatfish

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When a bird burps, you will always taste bugs in your own mouth. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Pterodactyls and apes once fought a great war, and the result of this conflict was victory for the apes by a slim margin. Over time a majority of the survivors on both sides evolved, but the last of the pterodactyls put a curse on our wretched species. This curse plagued us with this taste each time a bird in your area burps. Even now you should be tasting this, but in 1632 a young grasshopper made a pact with some old guy and his puppet. Due to the strides of these souls the taste is no longer noticeable except for during your sleep. So the next time you have an odd taste in your mouth as you wake up, don’t blame the thousands of insects that can crawl into your mouth as you sleep through-out your life. Blame those damn dirty pterodactyls.

-Christoph

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Why is it that I’m not supposed to urinate on an electrified fence?

-A man with a Brain Tumor

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It’s supposed to give you a brain tu… ohhhh…

I hear that taking off your clothes if a good solution to that problem, sir.

-Christoph

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If you want to see your question answered, just send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, and naked pictures to “Old Snake” with the PM system on the forums. Again, PM the username “Old Snake” (with no quotation marks, silly) if you want to send us something to respond to.

Nothing O’ Clock news

June 14, 2009 By: JimPaladin Category: Uncategorized 5 Comments →

With your Anchor woman Furnessly. And don’t forget to bring the kids to the new Youchewpoop Comix show and theatre for food and fun for the whole family.

This is the Nothing O’Clock news, where we get news so exclusive that the other media outlets wish to be like us instead of relying on a bad Chinese translator who write on a back on a toliet roll. Now for the main headline…

(more…)

A Thought: The Decline of the Chew

February 09, 2009 By: Christoph Category: Uncategorized 40 Comments →

Furnessly here and I have saw something quite disturbing throughout the past few months.

Back in 2007; you had newcomer Stegblob, mrSimon, Deepercutt (who must be the only member who hasn’t saw the big deal back then) and the duo of toadomos and Misselaineous10 to look up to as well as former owner of Youchew Conrad Slater giving a home to the poopers. If you were around at 2006 you had DVariano, NintendoMaximus, Seconteen, EATAN, SuperYoshi and RetroJape to watch and inspire. 2008? You had Temeku, err.. Krobo, err.. WalrusGuy if he counts as a pooper. This year so far however there hasn’t been anyone that has caused an inspiration of both new poopers and indeed continue the older ones. The former glories of the past have mostly gone whether it is a high profile job (mrSimon), loss of interest (many poopers) or something else entirely, an almost where are they now situation. Also what did happen to one hit wonders such as ElMullet (the man who made Uctions) and Youpooper/Rioting Soul (who started the popularity of M.Bison)?

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IT’S ALL ABOUT THE NEWS! (Part 2: Rabbit Boogaloo)

September 08, 2008 By: Christoph Category: Uncategorized 8 Comments →

My quest to find RabbitSnore, the editor-in-chef of the News Bakery brought me to a small town near the Atlantic. I used a grappling hook to reach the roof of an apartment complex that was about 30 floors and had a bunch of red doors all over the place. There was too much action going on in the elevators, what with a little boy shooting a bunch of spies and such everywhere, so I left and just stalked RabbitSnore for about three days. When he wasn’t fixing the website or playing tennis, he would hang out with his mates and have rainbow parties. I found him on the streets one day as he was going to Wawa to purchase a Ham & Cheese hoagie and conducted the following interview:

((WARNING: Contains anal sex and a girl in a bra advertising a vibrator. This be some kinky shit.))

(more…)

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’

Attempted Fordtopia

Call from the Public 4: Christmas in July

Nothing O’ Clock news

A Thought: The Decline of the Chew

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE NEWS! (Part 2: Rabbit Boogaloo)

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