Sep
27
Attempted Fordtopia
Category: Poop News, Site News, Uncategorized | 
20 Comments
Jul
13
After many months of silence, we have finally picked up the phone once more. Calls from the Public returns! In this special Christmas episode, we answer the questions you asked during the Christmas season in July. This time we have RabbitSnore returning to help answer some questions, and I have also enlisted the aid of others for this article. We deeply apologize to anyone who required answers to their questions in less than 6 months, but that’s what you get for relying on the internet for help. Without further delay, let us get to the questions.
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I was told that getting naked can cure cancer.
Do you believe this is true, and if it were true, would you do it?
-TangerineImpz
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While 9 out of 10 people agree with this approach, the 10th person claimed that the other 9 were guilty of drinking enormous amounts of Robitussin while watching Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” when agreeing to this method. I say fuck that 10th guy because Pink Floyd is awesome and also he’s probably Mexican. As of right now being nude will cure your cancer.
However, like most plot-twists from Twisted Metal games, you must remain naked for all time or else the cancer will return. I had to decide. It took me all of ten seconds. Let’s face it, boys and girls: A man has to have his priorities. I killed Calypso about as well as I’ve ever killed anyone. Now that I’m free, I’m going to be the greatest of all time.
-Christoph
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My penis has recently turned into a savage dragon and is constantly trying to kill me at every chance it gets.
My doctor recommended therapy, but instead of professional medical aid I thought I’d ask someone who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.
Thanks.
-JimPaladin
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Dear JimPaladin,
Two years ago, I had a similar problem: my penis turned into a feral tiger and attempted to maul me at every turn. Unlike you, I did not waste time contacted medical personnel and went straight to someone who didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. My friend Ferdinand recommended dousing the bitch with gasoline and lighting her on fire with an acetylene torch. This worked wonders: the tiger was killed and my penis only needed 97% of its skin replaced with grafts. I recommend you do likewise to this dragon.
Kill it with fire. And take pictures. I want to see that shit.
-RabbitSnore
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Dear Snake,
Why does your butt look so nice for an old guy?
Sincerly, Byakuya
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Why are you looking at my old guy butt? I’m going to call mall security on you. Go back to your Hot Topic stores that think it’s cool to sell only five DVDs: Super Mario Brothers, Invader Zim, Nightmare Before Christmas, My Chemical Romance on Tour, and How to Bleach Your Anus Part 2. I paid twenty bucks for part one so why is part two thirty bucks? God damn scammers.
-Christoph
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One day, a friend of mine, seemingly out of the blue, decided to make an odd statement.
He decreed that cow sperm probably just tastes just like warm milk.
Would you agree with this, or not? Explain.
-TangerineImpz
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Dear sir, I do believe that your friend is lying. For if he actually knew what cow sperm tasted like… he’d be dead.
That’s right. Cow sperm is lethal on contact. Nobody knows why, but it is. I suggest alerting your friend this very instant and telling him this, because if anyone decides to sample said sperm under his suggestion, that would make him a murderer.
And why would anybody be drinking warm milk? What is this? A senior home?
-RideTheCatfish
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Why is MEIAIDS so cute?
-LolBananaPhone
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Banned forum members tend to be a lot cuter like goody goody cocksuckers like MetalKoopa. It’s kinda like how a dog is a lot cuter in a cage before you let it out of it’s cage and starts to do nothing wrong at all. It’s boring, annoying, and makes you want to punt the fucker across a field.
-Christoph
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How do I become a bishop or any other type of clergy for youch1?
-Olmec
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Dear Olmec,
Our master youch1 does not accept worshippers or clergy. He has outgrown having a use for them. Soon he will outgrow having a use for you and be rid of you, as he is rid of all things superfluous in his kingdom.
Run while you can.
-RabbitSnore
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The fuck’s a Gravidor?
-SergeantBacon
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Are you kidding me!? I did not know that. Holy shit. I had no idea. We need to prepare a baby shower immediately! Do you know what kind of things the fuck will need? Wait, forget that. I think the fuck could use a new grill, perhaps a George Foreman one or one by some other celebrity. Oooh! This surprise baby shower is going to be sexy as hell!
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I am in a bit of a holiday pinch. You see, Ganon froze the fountain, and thusly, the staple of my holiday gift-giving, water of life, is no longer available to give to my relatives living in Gamelon.
So I tried to go over to Harlequin’s Bazaar and pick up a few craftsy-stuff -you know, nothing too expensive, as I do not have enough roobies. However, this fat-ass pig keeps on saying that I work for him now, though I don’t remember ever signing a contract anywhere.
Tell me, what with all this job confusion, though the extra pay would be nice, I’d rather not work for a transvestite pig. But with my new paycheck, what should I get my relatives in Gamelon?
-Giftless in Goronu
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Dear Giftless in Goronu,
I suggest killing the transvestite pig and giving your relatives in Gamelon a large smoked ham from his butchered corpse. This way, you solve two problems: You no longer work for swine, and you have a gift for your family.
I took the liberty of doing some research on Harlequin’s Bazaar and its managers. The alternative – which I do not suggest – is to work for this morbidly obese pig and have 50% of your pay withheld by the management to pay for your boss’s stomach stapling treatment so that he won’t be such an incredible lump of fat anymore. You will get shitty pay, no healthcare benefits, and no paid vacation. Murder is clearly the better option.
-RabbitSnore
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Which of the following signs may indicate a chemical reaction?
A. Change in color
B. Production of heat and light
C. Production of a precipitate
D. Production of a gas
E. All of the above-dorgles
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TIME FOR YOUR LESSON, DR. DOOM. CHEM 101: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RAPIDLY COOL HOT METAL?
What an awful movie.
-Christoph
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Dear Old Snake,
When does the next Tony Hawk game come out?
-Guitar Hero Fan
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According to the Intelligent Gaming Association, Tony Hawk Hero 6: Born To Be Wild will be released tomorrow. Then again, IGA has been known to make some errors with game information and tends to do poor reviews. IGA once announced that Legend of Zelda: Dungeon Dice would be released in 2007. When it was released in 2008, IGA gave the game a 4.4 claiming that the game was perfect but didn’t have an online leaderboard and took too long to be made.
You should depend on a more dependable website like GameInterloper or Ctrl+Alt+Esc. Also, I hear that the new Tony Hawk will let you play as the lead singer in My Chemical Romance as a young boy. Totally sick right, brah?
-Christoph
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How do they make green Jell-O?
Love,
Ampi
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The same way they make blue Jell-O, duh. What are you, a fucking moron or something? Get a about 5 dozen eggs, mix the fuck out of them, throw that away because that’s the wrong recipe, get the Rune Stone held by Zeratul, defeat the Overmind, take back Frostmourne from that asshole Arthas, navigate some random Vikings out of a space ship, destroy the World Stone, watch the universe collapse because you’re an idiot and destroyed the World Stone, and then add some food coloring and artificial flavoring that corresponds to something green and fruity. Just remember to keep this between you and me. It’s a secret it everyone.
…and I love you too.
-Christoph
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I’m having slight problems with being a woman and puberty.
Why are we bleeding down there? Is that God’s way in saying that you are the female God and you bleed without getting cut? My nipples are erecting over coldness and dampness, I need help! Also please tell me about the whale in my front yard.
-Kacty
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Dear Kacty,
God is indeed sending you a message through your menstruation. He is telling you that you are the inferior sex and should serve men, as they are your clear superiors.
You are bleeding because you are too weak to stand God’s love in you. The result is that your genitals bleed for several days each month, as the pressure of God’s love builds in your body and finally causes hemorrhaging deep beyond your vaginal canal. In men, this place inside the body is occupied by a magical organ called the prostate, which women lack. The prostate permits men to withstand God’s love without ill effect.
Unfortunately, you are a woman, so take your bleeding genitals and get back to the kitchen where you belong.
The whale in your yard is a hallucination. Take 800mg of Thorazine every morning and night. This should quell the psychotic symptoms.
-RabbitSnore
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When birds burp, does it taste like bugs?
-RideTheCatfish
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When a bird burps, you will always taste bugs in your own mouth. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Pterodactyls and apes once fought a great war, and the result of this conflict was victory for the apes by a slim margin. Over time a majority of the survivors on both sides evolved, but the last of the pterodactyls put a curse on our wretched species. This curse plagued us with this taste each time a bird in your area burps. Even now you should be tasting this, but in 1632 a young grasshopper made a pact with some old guy and his puppet. Due to the strides of these souls the taste is no longer noticeable except for during your sleep. So the next time you have an odd taste in your mouth as you wake up, don’t blame the thousands of insects that can crawl into your mouth as you sleep through-out your life. Blame those damn dirty pterodactyls.
-Christoph
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Why is it that I’m not supposed to urinate on an electrified fence?
-A man with a Brain Tumor
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It’s supposed to give you a brain tu… ohhhh…
I hear that taking off your clothes if a good solution to that problem, sir.
-Christoph
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If you want to see your question answered, just send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, and naked pictures to “Old Snake” with the PM system on the forums. Again, PM the username “Old Snake” (with no quotation marks, silly) if you want to send us something to respond to.
Jun
14
Nothing O’ Clock news
Category: Uncategorized | 5 Comments
With your Anchor woman Furnessly. And don’t forget to bring the kids to the new Youchewpoop Comix show and theatre for food and fun for the whole family.
This is the Nothing O’Clock news, where we get news so exclusive that the other media outlets wish to be like us instead of relying on a bad Chinese translator who write on a back on a toliet roll. Now for the main headline…
Feb
9
Furnessly here and I have saw something quite disturbing throughout the past few months.
Back in 2007; you had newcomer Stegblob, mrSimon, Deepercutt (who must be the only member who hasn’t saw the big deal back then) and the duo of toadomos and Misselaineous10 to look up to as well as former owner of Youchew Conrad Slater giving a home to the poopers. If you were around at 2006 you had DVariano, NintendoMaximus, Seconteen, EATAN, SuperYoshi and RetroJape to watch and inspire. 2008? You had Temeku, err.. Krobo, err.. WalrusGuy if he counts as a pooper. This year so far however there hasn’t been anyone that has caused an inspiration of both new poopers and indeed continue the older ones. The former glories of the past have mostly gone whether it is a high profile job (mrSimon), loss of interest (many poopers) or something else entirely, an almost where are they now situation. Also what did happen to one hit wonders such as ElMullet (the man who made Uctions) and Youpooper/Rioting Soul (who started the popularity of M.Bison)?
Sep
8
My quest to find RabbitSnore, the editor-in-chef of the News Bakery brought me to a small town near the Atlantic. I used a grappling hook to reach the roof of an apartment complex that was about 30 floors and had a bunch of red doors all over the place. There was too much action going on in the elevators, what with a little boy shooting a bunch of spies and such everywhere, so I left and just stalked RabbitSnore for about three days. When he wasn’t fixing the website or playing tennis, he would hang out with his mates and have rainbow parties. I found him on the streets one day as he was going to Wawa to purchase a Ham & Cheese hoagie and conducted the following interview:
((WARNING: Contains anal sex and a girl in a bra advertising a vibrator. This be some kinky shit.))
